Given Word
by Scottea
Summary: Accepting a death, fulfilling a promise, and exposing a betrayal.
1. Chapter 1

Captain James T. Kirk felt as though he was in an invisible prison. He was aware of the four walls surrounding him. Stillness. Emptiness. Aloneness. Hollowness. Guilt was in the air the breathed. Time was meaningless. Even now, as he stood in front of the panel awaiting his sentence, he realized nothing mattered any longer.

Although he heard them nothing those around him were saying changed things. Their words had no real to him any more. Even when Captain Charles Pellon, of the now decommissioned starship Dakota, gave his version of the events he heard the words but they meant nothing. The only thing he was conscious of hearing was, "Captain Kirk then warned First Officer Spock that if he did not stop he would stun him. As First Officer Spock continued Captain Kirk had no option but to fire his phaser which he believed he had set not on stun but it was set on kill."

While he was looking at them Jim Kirk did not really see the panel. He was aware of them and mentally registered their presence but they were not what filled his vision. For the past four days all he had seen was Spock falling to the ground, the phaser being taken from his hand, the doctor from the Dakota going to him, and taking a few minutes to examine him. He was aware of them talking but all he heard over and over was the doctor declaring Spock dead.

Dead. Dead? No! Stunned. He always had his phaser set on stun unless the situation absolutely required a kill. It had not been a kill situation. A security officer had taken his phaser while another officer had gripped him and quickly lead him away as they had all had to leave in a hurry.

As he stood trying to grasp what was going on Jim Kirk remembered the breathing exercises his friend and First Officer had taught him so long ago to calm his nerves. He was certain that if he could control his nerves, and therefore his emotions, he would remember. The Enterprise had been ordered to escort the Dakota back to Command where it would be formally decommissioned and the crew reassigned. They were to first escort it to Jublilne Five as there was a leading archeologist and a renowned scientist aboard the Dakota who were to examine a site on Jubliline Five. They were ready to leave when Spock had. . . .

Had what? Damn! It was not the first time he had cussed himself for not being able to remember exactly what had happened. He could not remember all that much about exactly what had happened. He very dimly recalled feeling a phaser in his hand but could not remember aiming it at Spock let alone firing it.

He remembered that they were in an area that was forbidden to off-worlders and yet they had been told they could go and get what they had been given permission to get as they had delivered half of what was to be exchanged for the items. Knowing his crew he knew they would have, upon delivery of the items, have send down what was agreed. Was it to do with that area?

He remembered that they were in the specified area, that the specialists had gathered what they had been told they could have and they were set to leave. Clearly he could recall the area and there had been nothing special about it. There was something about the Jublilne Five security team approaching the items, Pellon had said something, Spock had made a move and he had next felt the phaser in his hand, seen Spock fall, then watched the doctor go to where Spock lay and say he was dead. He remembered Pellon had said something and then they were on the Dakota and then the Enterprise and McCoy being there.

McCoy had said it would come back but could not say when. It infuriated him that what he had remembered was all he could remember as it did not answer the questions he needed answered. There were too many things that did not make sense, too many things he should remember. McCoy had found nothing abnormal in his systems, nothing unusual in any of the scans. A deep form of amnesia caused by shock is what McCoy had stated it was and that in time, with assistance, he would remember. He had no recollection of saying anything to Spock nor of pointing his phaser at him. Very dimly he recalled something had been said, there was a lot of confusion and commotion involving the Jubliline Five security team, he recalled the feel of the phaser in his hand, kept seeing Spock arch and fall, watching the doctor rush to him, and hearing him declare Spock dead. Then nothing.

No, not quite nothing but from that word "dead' and being lead away from Spock, from Spock's body, he had just gone through the motions ingrained in him. He could not even remember giving the order to beam up. Captain Pellon had clearly taken control and got them beamed to the Dakota and then to the Enterprise.

He remembered beaming aboard the Enterprise, of Bones and Scotty rushing up to him, helping him to Sickbay, hearing the endless and unanswerable questions, being walked to Sickbay, and the flood of emotional support from the crew who came to see him those first four days McCoy had kept him isolated. Sulu had taken the helm an kept him informed as to their journey to Command.

When Captain Pellon had come to see him on that fifth day he could remember it was all Scotty could do to not only control himself buy also Chekov when Pellon had asked him what had possessed him to kill his First Officer as he had. When Pellon had said that Command would want to know, as he did, why such an experienced Captain did not check his phaser before he fired it of if the insubordination had so infuriated him that he deliberately set it on kill.

He did remember that immediately Scotty had gripped Chekov as the young officer had all but lunged at Pellon while McCoy had immediately rushed Pellon out of Sickbay saying that he had yet to thoroughly review the last test results for a medical explanation. Pellon had said, "Yes, at the hearing there will be a need for your medical reports on his mental state of mind."

In Sickbay he had tried to remember and knew that Sulu and the bridge crew could take care of the ship and were all capable of seeing to the escort duties back to Command with the Dakota. Sulu would have the full support of not only the bridge crew but also the entire crew and one day would make an excellent captain of a starship. So many times he had seen that bridge crew band together in support of one another and seen how the crew followed their lead. He had seen how often the bridge crew, and the rest of the crew, had looked for certainty or assurance at Spock when. . No! Had was past. Even as the sedation McCoy had given him slowly made him sleep he could not think of Spock as dead, especially not dead by his hand.

All the bridge crew had been down to see him often during the trip to Command but he had said little as he could not remember it all. While the five of them must have tried every known way of asking him those searching questions of how, who, what, and why as they knew where and when he could not answer as he just could not remember. He could not explain how that word dead had taken more than just Spock from him, it had taken the core from him, it had taken the best half of him away. It was too hard to explain how lost and alone he was, how radically his life, his sense of being, had changed.

Although he would not say it aloud nor admit it to the others Doctor Leonard McCoy had felt a numbness in him from when he had been told that Jim Kirk had killed Spock. It was impossible and yet it had happened and now he was dealing with trying to help his friend remember an event he did not want his friend to recall anything about doing it. He had asked the other senior officers not to actually talk abut Spock as he had seen not only the visible reaction to the word but also what the instruments told him was going on in his friend on hearing that name. No matter what the proof Pellon had McCoy knew he would never accept that Jim Kirk could kill Spock. There was no way Jim Kirk could ever be made to kill Spock.

He was aware that McCoy had found him just standing or sitting in Spock's quarters fifteen times on the sixteen standard days it took to reach Command. He knew it was only after the first time there was at least one medical person shadowing him all the time and a security guard outside Spock's by the time he got there, he knew the reasons, knew the regulations. He also knew that the security guard did not follow the regulations as the guard allowed him into the quarters when the regs stated that he "the accused" was to have limited access to stated parts of the ship. The medical officer stayed out of the quarters and he had left the door open. There was no reason for him being there, no logical reason. There had been a quiet comfort in that room. It had been as though Spock was there just watching him try to sort through this on his own. How like that quiet sure support he had always felt around Spock it was to be in that room. It had only been when McCoy had said he would call for security to remove him that had made him leave those quarters the first time. The last time he had paused at the door and looked back in had been two days ago.

He had felt McCoy's hand on his shoulder, had heard him say, "I felt safe in there too, Jim. We have to remember that officially it is the quarters of the First Officer and will not be a shrine. We will have time to clear it out later."

"Clear it out later." A part of him, the Star Fleet Captain James Tiberus Kirk, part of him acknowledged that it was, as McCoy had said, the quarters of the First Officer, and would need to be cleared out yet the Jim Kirk part of him silently screamed "Not yet!" Not yet. That part of hm instisted that it was too soon. Too soon as he had lost Spock and he was not about to. No. He had not lost Spock, he had killed him. He had killed him. He had killed Star Fleet's best First Officer and his best friend. He had killed him and did not know why. He knew he always had his phaser set on stun so how could he have killed him? There had been that different pitch. It had been on kill. Why would he have set it on kill.

He could not remember what could have made him so desperately want to stop Spock from doing something that he would have drawn his phaser, let alone fire it. He had spent days of just existing, of feeling so empty and so alone, so very alone. Hours spent trying to remember, to fill the gaps, to answer so many questions. He could not think of a single reason nor circumstance under which he would have ever aimed a phaser at Spock with the intention of actually firing. McCoy had repeatedly told him that the details would come back with time. McCoy had said shock had blocked that part of his memory, for the moment. With time. For the moment. He just wondered how long a moment was.

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A/N Hopefully will get this one done in two weeks as want to clear out all the stories this year before spring comes as it seems summer overlooked this part of the country while it really gave other areas great a great summer. Enjoy and HAVE FUN!


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Charles Pellon was still talking and Kirk tried to pay more attention as he felt, hoped, that there might be something, even just one word, that would drag out of his memory at least one of those missing pieces. Perhaps even that small missing piece that Bones had said could trigger full memory. Pellon had been there and seemed to be, again, repeating all that he had said on the trip to Command. There was nothing new. There was nothing that took away the emptiness, that took away the image of Spock falling, that stopped him from hearing the words that Spock was dead, or that took away the knowledge that he had fired the phaser that had killed his closest and best friend.

Every so often he was aware of a deep sigh coming from the man beside him and he wanted to reach out and reassure him that somehow they would get through this but he had too many doubts. While he knew what it was doing to himself he knew that McCoy was also being effected as, despite all the outward signs, he was close to Spock. He had seen McCoy come in and get permission to be there siting he was "the accused's personal physician". Four times he had been aware of McCoy really watching him and knew with McCoy's skills and how long they had known each other that it was his friend's way of taking care of him without going full medical.

Pellon had mentioned that there had already been the talk about the two specialists who had gathered the artifacts and samples from Jubliline Five and their statements were read which both stated that they had been concentrating on the safety of the items they were both vague about what had happened. They were both aware of Pellon being in control, heard the odd bits said but knew they were safe so largely ignored what Pellon and Kirk were talking about, and only turned to see Spock fall.

"We were all waiting for beam up with the artifacts and specimens wanted when First Officer Spock deliberately disobeyed a direct order in the field from a commanding officer. Kirk's only option for such insubordination was to fire his phaser which he did. It should, as per regulations, have been set on stun but it was set on kill. He fired his phaser, hit and killed Mister Spock. Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Harold Czacheck, rushed to check on Mister Spock but he was dead. Kirk seemed to be in shock. I immediately took command and ordered a beam up. Upon arrival on my ship I ordered Kirk transported to the Enterprise. I then issued orders that no officers were to be beamed down and then was transported to the Enterprise to assume command with Chief Engineer Scott as my First Officer as I had the specialists to see to and assure them that the rare samples gathered would be kept in a secure area, as well as giving orders that nobody else was to beam back down as there was no telling what sort of reception they would get and I did not want to risk any more of either crew members. We then came directly to Command."

"And you are sure that no officer from either ship beamed back down?"

"I am certain that none of my crew would have beamed back down and I would trust Kirk's crew not to disobey a direct order."

"And First Officer Spock's body?"

Kirk noticed how, without hesitation, Pellon had looked at the five man panel and said, "As soon as Doctor Czacheck said he was dead I ordered him back to the group and, seeing the security guards had clearly been shaken by what had happened I ordered an emergency beam up of the surviving landing party and samples. There was no time."

Deep inside him Jim Kirk felt fury at the fact Pellon had left Spock's body yet he knew, by the regulations, it was the right thing to have done. Pellon was following set procedure where he concentrated on the survival of the living, even if one of them was dead inside. As he looked at Pellon he remembered how the man was known to follow set procedures and not ask questions. He had not found it unusual that Pellon had stayed aboard the Dakota rather than being on the Enterprise as the Dakota was still his ship. His ship. Yes, once the numbness wore off and the memories returned he would be returned to his ship, he would again be the Captain of the Enterprise but that bridge would never be the same. There wee no words for how he wished Pellon had left him there as well.

"Did the Chief Medical Officer, Doctor Harold Czacheck, not request that the body,"

"With all due respect, Sirs, at the time and under the circumstances I ordered him to rejoin the landing party and leave the body. It was my duty to secure the safety to the remaining personnel."

"And he left immediately to rejoin you?"

"Not immediately as he seemed to pause for a moment as though giving him some sort of religious absolution then came running to us as he clearly recorded what he had seen."

Religious absolution? For just the briefest of moments Kirk looked at Pellon, surely the man knew Vulcans. Then he stopped. No. No, how could he? How could anybody who did not get to really know Vulcans understand even the elementary level he had from what Spock had shared with him. Had. For just a moment he felt himself start to lose his control but felt a hand grip his left forearm and turned to see two blue eyes watching him.

It was clear that McCoy had heard it as well and had known how much it would hurt to remember all those shared moments, all those things Spock had told them about so many Vulcan rites and beliefs. It was also clear, looking at his friend, that he had not heard anything different either. The only change Kirk had noticed was with McCoy, how at first he had seemed to avoid seeking answers in his special bottles but now, now having known him for so long, Kirk could tell McCoy was drinking to dull the pain he had most likely not allowed himself to acknowledge or accept.

McCoy had heard that Jim Kirk had been summoned for a hearing before the Council regarding the next assignment of the Enterprise. He had given several statements as to how the events on Jublilne Five had clearly caused a temporarily mental disconnect by James Kirk and that it would take him some time to totally accept what had happened. He had said that there was no way Jim Kirk would have fired a phaser set on kill at Spock. He had said that it was the realization that there must have been something wrong with the phaser despite all the tests showing there were no faults with it and it had been clearly been set on kill and the only prints on the weapon were those of James Kirk and the officer who had handled the weapon for investigation. There was no way what Pellon said made sense. Spock never deliberately disobeyed direct orders, it was against that blasted Vulcan training as well as the very nature of the man. While it was understandable that the two specialists had not seen or heard anything it still annoyed McCoy as it could have helped him find some small thing that could possibly help bring his Jim Kirk back to them.

As he studied the man next to him McCoy realized that the James Kirk who stood beside him now was not quite a shadow of the Jim Kirk he had seen beam down to that planet. He knew that there had been severe damage done to the core of the Jim Kirk he knew as his friend and that the James Kirk who had been the best of the best Captains in Star Fleet was buried so deep under layers of emotions, self-blame, guilt, doubt, and uncertainty. Others who did not know him would only see a man deeply upset by his actions and the death of a fellow officer but McCoy knew the crew of the Enterprise, especially the senior crew, would see he was lost not only in loss and guilt but also that terrible place between certainty and doubt.

The others had not seen how Jim Kirk would just go and stand in what had been Spock's quarters and lightly touching a piece on an unfinished game of chess or picking up and hugging to him the book of Vulcan poetry Spock had been reading. Others had not seen the tears and heard the repeated "No." those first two days Kirk had been in the isolation room in Sickbay. They, and even Captain Pellon, did not know of the mild sedation he had kept Jim on those first few days when Pellon would come to Sick Bay and ask why he had the phasr on kill, why he had killed his First Officer instead of stunning him. None of them had seen how a few times Kirk had turned around almost grinning as he said "Spock" as though expecting him to be there. In his report to the Council that they had asked for upon their arrival he had stated that in his opinion Jim had shown improvement and he suspected that he would be able to declare him fit to command within another twenty-one standard days. Just looking at Jim now he wondered if he had not been optimistic as his friend was still very lost in pain and a cauldron of emotions.

Doctor McCoy paused for a moment recalling what he knew of Doctor Czacheck and knew that the man was a doctor known to respect the body of his patients in life as well as in death and he was sure the man would have paused by Spock's body before leaving it to offer up a prayer. He knew he would want to see and thank Czacheck for doing that for Spock even if the Vulcan had often said how he did not believe.

"Doctor McCoy," the chairman of the panel looked steadily at him and McCoy inwardly braced himself for the questions he knew were coming about Jim's mental state, "it has been noted that you have stated that Captain James Kirk should be mentally ready to resume duties as Captain of the starship Enterprise in twenty-one more standard days, is that correct?

"That is my medically based findings, yes. It might be sooner but I would say that in twenty-one more standard days he will be fit to command the Enterprise."

"Doctor McCoy, while that is wonderful news," Pellon looked at him, "and we can ill-afford to lose an officer with his skills and record we cannot waste the potential for further exploration and discovery with the Enterprise by not sending it out on another mission. I am sure Command has other missions ready for the ship and crew."

Again the chairman spoke, this time his tone was different, more assertive than before as he looked from McCoy to Pellon, "You are correct, Captain Pellon, in that while we were not fully prepared for a delay such as we are having in the turn-around time of the Enterprise we are,"

There were two bleeps from the main communication console and the chairman looked away from Pellon to the screen then at Kirk before McCoy saw the uncertainty in the man's eyes when he looked directly at him, "That was Doctor Czacheck who has asked to see Captain Kirk now and alone. He said he would give a full report to this meeting after seeing Kirk. He specifically states Kirk is to go alone, Doctor McCoy, and that he will contact us when they are to return. No doubt he will confirm your findings as to Captain Kirk's abilities at this time and be able to tell us his projection as to when Kirk can be in command of his ship again."

When he had turned to face his friend Kirk had just looked at him and nodded, "I'll, I'll be okay, Bones. They would need a second and maybe even a third opinion. You and Scotty keep minding her for me." He watched as Kirk turned, faced the panel, and said, "If you gentlemen will excuse me." then left.

As he watched his friend walk away he wanted to go after him, wanted to be with him to ensure that Czacheck did a proper assessment, wanted to be there for Jim if things got too stressful. Too stressful? Maybe before this he would never have thought of anything being too stressful for James Kirk but there had always been that silent figure with him or nearby that his friend so often turned to for mental support, there had always been that quiet presence that was there just that half-step behind him by his side. Before there had been that silent support by his side, the support that he knew he could not give to his friend. For a moment, in an attempt to calm himself, McCoy found himself, spontaneousness he left the room, doing the slow deep breathing exercise that that silent figure had taught him so long ago to maintain some control of his emotions. Carefully he reached into his chest pocket and turned off the transmitter Uhura had given him. The bridge crew and Scotty would have heard it all, they did not need to hear him fighting to control his emotions as he had tried to for seventeen days.

It seemed longer, much longer than only seventeen days ago that he had joked with the two of them about going down to Jublilne Five just to watch some artifacts being collected when Pellon was also there. How casually Jim had joked and used that old Earth expression about "ours not to reason why". Only it had turned out not to be a joke. What had come up from Jubliline Five had not been the man who had gone down and was only half of the vital duo that had gone to that planet with Pellon. What had come up was an empty shell of what had gone down. It was like only a portion of the being that was James T. Kirk had returned, a portion that functioned almost out of pure trained routine rather than spontaneous intelligent reaction. He had seen others in states of deep shock many times, too many times, while on the ship but never anything like this and never Jim Kirk. It had taken him four days to even say what had happened and then only that he had killed Spock. For days he had tested Kirk's memory and skills and while he was not as highly responsive as he needed to be to captain he was slowly improving and yet still had no recollection as to what had happened on the planet apart from firing the phaser and killing Spock. One by one he had contacted the different specialists he knew and some he had only heard of for ways he could try to break through to Jim but nothing had worked.

When he got back to the Enterprise he again went over all the readouts starting with readings from the transporter and there was nothing. All the readings were normal with no traces of unusual substances. He accessed Doctor Harold Czacheck's records and felt confident that he would know how to help Jim as the man had been on the Manatanga and a few years ago they had exchanged nine crew members for three months and the specialist nurse that he had worked with had talked about how like Czacheck he was in his approach to treating and caring for his patients and what he expected of his staff. Even knowing that he told himself it was okay for him to be restless and concerned till Jim was back where he could keep an eye on him.

As Kirk had walked to the transporter he just wanted it all to end. He just wanted to find out what he could not remember and then to stop remembering what he had done. He knew that no matter what had happened, what had made Spock disobey on order he could not remember giving, nothing changed the fact that he had fired the phaser and killed Spock. As he turned on his position he saw how Scotty looked at him, no blame only concern. It was the same look he had received from the other bridge crew and most of the regular crew. The crew wanted him back in command and he was keen to be back in command but knew he had to get answers to so many questions first . Pellon had said that he would accept that it was not so much his fault but what he had to do. The question that kept repeating in his mind was why. He was hoping that perhaps Czacheck could help him remember as the beam took him from the Enterprise and, as he materialized on the Dakota, he wondered what he would remember, if maybe not knowing was better.

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A/N Thanks for reading. Have fun - too hot and humid here to do much outside so may get to retyping another chapter this afternoon after walking the dog to and from the river pond.


	3. Chapter 3

While Jim Kirk was away McCoy thought he would go back to the ship and tell the others what they did not hear. From the reaction of the crew he encountered from when he materialized aboard the Enterprise till he got to the bridge he could tell that word had spread about the ship as to what had taken place. He remembered how that exchange nurse had said her ship was also like the Enterprise as the crew was more a family than just officers on the same ship. Although they were docked he knew the bridge crew and Scotty would all be on the bridge waiting.

"Do you think this Doctor Czacheck will be able to help the Captain?" Uhura asked almost as soon as he had entered the bridge.

As he looked around he saw the questions reflected by the expression of the faces of the others, "Well, he was there and might be able to get Jim to remember more. He is also very highly skilled in successfully treating what is commonly referred to as an acute stress reaction before it can become a long-term stress disorder."

There was silence for a moment and, as he looked at the others, McCoy was certain they would be thinking, as he had, of Jim Kirk's fate if Czacheck could not help him. He remembered, as they would, when he had accompanied Jim to the Bridge four days after they had left Jubliline Five and Jim had just stood looking at the Science Station shaking his head, tears streaming down his face, and saying,"No. No. No." as he shut his eyes, hugged his chest, and bowed his head repeating, "No. No. No. No." It had nly been with Scotty helping him that he got Kirk back to Sickbay and sedated. Although he had gone several times with Kirk in the turbolift to the bridge not once had Kirk stepped onto the bridge nor looked towards the Science Station. It had been a major step when Kirk had stopped getting tense when the doors opened and they first saw the bridge and that he longer said "No." so often. While there had been some improvement to Jim Kirk's mental health McCoy knew he was far, very far, from being even close to being able to pass any psych test needed for a position in Starfleet let alone as the Captain of a starship.

"Aye, I read where he was the doctor on the Manatanga and was able to help so many after that. If ye and he can nay find a way help the Captain," Scotty went quiet and shook his head, "I best get back to me bairns so when he comes back we are ready. T'was grand to hear what happened down there. We could nae be there in body but ye and the lass here let us hear. Just call me if ye need me."

It was as though that was the trigger as Chekov said, "There is an old Russian saying about preparing the sled in summer and the cart in winter so I best have the station ready for when he comes back."

"Come to think of it I should do another total systems check of the ship to ensure it is up to his standards." Sulu turned to face the array of displays before him.

"And there's that dialect of Vulcan I, I," Uhura stopped, closed her eyes for a moment, shook her head, then looked directly at McCoy, "I must master before I talk with his parents and explain what happened." There was an anger in her eyes that McCoy knew he had not seen before, "It seems Captain Pellon told them only that Spock had been killed by the Captain on an away mission and that they would be given the details later."

McCoy took a moment to register what she had said and could tell, when he looked at the others, that they were just as surprised. Scotty had stopped just short of entering the turbolift and the fury was plain in his stance and more so in the expression on his face. " **He'll nay step foot on my ship again. He'll nay step on her and live to step off her.** T'was nay his place to tell them and nay in that way."

"I would call him a Cossack but that would insult all Cossacks."

"I will refuse to obey any order from him." Sulu had looked at each of them then very steadily at McCoy, "Nobody who does that is worthy of being called a Captain."

"And with all the new languages and dialects I need to know I simply will be too busy to hear him."

"Now as I am sure I could get a post in any hospital Jim might be sent to, however," McCoy smiled as he realized just how this group really was a family. " am I correct in believing you four are talking of mutiny?" He saw how they all looked at him and he smiled, "If so count me in."

Sulu was looking at him and McCoy could see the uncertainty about the man, "Do you believe that the Captain will be able to deal with being here, as Captain, without Mister Spock also here as his First Officer?"

Leonard McCoy knew the man well enough to hear what was not asked, the question none of them had openly asked. They had all seen how close they were, how so often Spock had the answers before Kirk had asked the question, how just a nod or a glance was as good as an order. That silent communication was part of what made this group so special, was what added to that special thing they knew was between Kirk and Spock.

Aware that the others were now really look at him waiting. Waiting for him to answer a question he had feared having to face so many times. Both men knew that there was a possibility that one time one of them might not return to the ship but he doubted if either had thought of it being like this. "I really do not know, Sulu. At the moment I only hope that Doctor Czacheck can break through that mental wall he has up. He is not allowing himself to accept what happened. Captain Pellon and his security officer both were clear about what happened. Czacheck has asked not to make his statement until after he has had a chance to fully examine Jim in the Sickbay on the Dakota. Knowing Czacheck's reputation he will be very thorough and use methods others may not think of. I have no doubt he will be in contact with me before Command and will be very honest and exact. I know he had done a course on dealing with Vulcan patients so that might help him discuss things with Jim."

Slowly McCoy stood and headed to the turbolift, "I'll be in my office if anybody is looking for me. I think all of us need to get some sleep or at lease more rest while we can."

"And I'll be getting back to me bairns."

As they entered the turbolift McCoy looked at Scotty, "I think we both better have a little liquid courage and stamina. Care to join me?"

"Aye. I think we will all be a'needing that afore long. They did nay see the Captain when he came aboard. Now I've seen many lose ones close to them but what I saw, well, it t'was more than that. It t'was like only a part of him came back."

In McCoy's office as they drained their second glass of liquid courage and stamina McCoy looked at the Chief Engineer, "I only hope that even if he uses one of his way too unorthodox methods, methods he has been in trouble for using, he is able to help Jim deal with what happened."

"We will have to have a service for the crew as many have been asking. They know we nay have his body but they still want a service for, for closure." As he placed his empty glass on the table the Scotsman briefly closed his eyes then looked at McCoy, "I still can nay believe it. Not just him being dead but the Captain killing him. I can nay think of the Captain without Spock. I do nay know if I ever will. You best keep that," he indicated the bottle that McCoy had picked up, "in the drawer for when we really need it. Not now as all we can do is wait. Tis hard but nay else we can do." He took a few steps and looked back at McCoy, "Ye should follow what you told us. Get some rest while ye can."

McCoy put the bottle in the drawer and looked at Scotty. "Wise advice. I will do what I can about it while waiting to hear from Czacheck. Soon as I hear from him I will let you all know."

After Scotty had left McCoy finished what was in his glass, folded his arms, and rested his head on them just wanting to think. His last thought before he went to sleep was of how unbearable life would be without Kirk as well. He was only just about to accept the reality of Spock being gone but knew he had to hold on till he got Jim back, then they could help each other accept life without Spock.

It was not accepting a life without Spock that James Kirk was thinking of when he materialized on the Dakota, it was living without Spock. It was living knowing he had killed Spock and that there was absolutely no way he could have done that. He needed to know what had happened. Too much of it seemed unreal, almost like a dream that was a nightmare.

Jim Kirk immediately recognized Doctor Harold Czacheck as he stepped down and the Doctor approached him, "Captain Kirk, I am to fully assess you and see if there is some way of bringing back to you those events you have, for unknown reasons, not been able to recall. Please follow me the Sickbay." There was something in the man's manner that Kirk remembered. He had been aware of it earlier, almost from when they had met before going down Jubliline Five, a sense of having met the man before that but not for medical reasons.

Once they were in Sickbay Czacheck had indicated a chair, and when Kirk had sat the doctor said, "Now, tell me about what you **do** remember."

It was almost rote to him thanks to Pellon and McCoy. "My First Officer and myself were ordered to help Captain Pellon and four of his crew as well as yourself and two specialists collect some samples and artifacts that the government of Jubliline Five had gifted to Star Fleet. I can remember that Spock, yourself, the two specialists, and two security officers beamed down first and then Captain Pellon and myself with two more security officers. We were not on the planet for long when there was some sort of a commotion and more Jubliline Five security arrived. I remember an order, Spock not doing as ordered, the phaser in my hand, and seeing Spock fall, seeing you rush to him while an officer held me back, you saying he was dead, and then nothing till I was back on the Enterprise."

"Good," Czacheck pointed to a biobed, "Shoes, socks, and shirt off and get on the bed on your back, please. And while you are doing that tell me what you remember of getting back to the Enterprise."

Anger started to fill Kirk but he said, "After you saying Spock was dead I have no real memory. That security guard who had stopped me going to Spock kept holding me."

"Did he keep holding you while you beamed back to the Enterprise?"

"No. Pellon's guard took me. We, we beamed to the Dakota first then I was beamed alone to the Enterprise. You, you must know more about it than I do as you were there as well. That, that guard who stopped me from going to Spock was **your guard**."

Kirk felt a deep anger in him grow as Czacheck had been there and knew what happened. It had been **Czacheck's guard** who had stopped him going to Spock. He noticed that the room was darkened and welcomed it as it would hide the growing rage he was feeling.

"Now, Captain Kirk, I want you to close your eyes, breathe deeply and slowly fifteen times, then tell me everything you felt from the time you left the Enterprise till you belovedreturned. Ignore what your other three senses told you for now. Tell me only what you felt tangibly and intangibly."

He had not believed what the doctor wanted as he had had no feelings since he had heard that he had killed Spock. He existed but he did not feel and now this doctor who was so different to Bones wanted him to tell him what he had felt. He could almost hear that beloved Vulcan voice saying, "Feelings are emotional and illogical, Jim, but you are Human and emotional so feel." He slowed his breathing and counted to fifteen.

"I remember," it seemed strange how only now was he aware of what he had been aware of then. "Beaming over to the Dakota as Captain Pellon had suggested it we meet on his ship before beaming down. I remember feeling relaxed as you made us welcome and Spock was there and relaxed which was my main indicator of a situation. It did not seem unusual, from what Pellon said, that he and I beam down after you although I did not like the delay as I was used to beaming down with my crew. While there was a delay in materializing it did not seem unusual as the Dakota had reported that many of its systems were showing their age. On the planet it seemed everything was normal and you and the scientists, along with Spock, got on with getting the samples and artifacts and talking with the representatives of Jubliline Five. I was relaxed as I knew Spock would be watching all that was going on and had fast reactions as well as the ability to talk us out of many situations. It seemed odd that Pellon had asked me several times how I was feeling and then he had said something and made a gesture I did not understand about the same time I felt the phaser in my hand."

He slowed his breathing again as unwelcome things were coming back to him, "I, I, suddenly felt very anxious, then felt the slight tension as I fired the phaser, and then nothing after I saw Spock fall and realized I had fired the phaser There was your security guard grabbing me, preventing me from getting to Spock. I had no feelings except loss, disconnection, and of being totally alone till I got back to the Enterprise and saw my crew. I was aware of feeling at home but it was not home, I felt safe yet afraid, I was aware of feeling the love and concern of friends who are closer to me than family and yet totally alone without that other half of myself. I am aware of what is going on around me and yet none of it seems to matter. I am merely living but no longer feel alive. I feel, from time to time, as though I can feel echoes of him in my mind. It is comforting and yet reminds me of what I did and what I so desperately miss."

"Perhaps I could talk with his father and arrange for a Vulcan healer to remove,"

"Ohmigawd! Has Sarek and Lady Amanda been told? I, I, I should have, I have to,"

"They are aware of the situation. Captain Pellon contacted them shortly after returning to the Dakota."

" **The bastard!** He had no right!" Kirk sat up and could only just make out where Czacheck was standing and glared in his direction, " **The bastard** left Spock's body there! He had no right to. He, he, he had," something tried to come forward in his mind but there was that annoying emptiness. "I, I have to,"

"Right now all you have to do, Captain Kirk, is lay back down and wait for me to return. Obviously you are remembering. I have spoken with the parents as you will later. They both seemed most concerned about your welfare. They will be interested to hear from you once you remember much more. It seems that Pellon only said that Spock had died and that you had been the one who killed him and that you had left Spock's body on Jubliline Five. Now rest. There is cold water for you on the table beside the bed. I do not want to have to bring in security."

Reluctantly Kirk drank some water then lay back down and tried to relax. Alone in the darkened room James Kirk did not think of what had happened on Jubliline Five but of what he knew about Captain Charles Pellon and all he had heard about the man. He knew Pellon had no first contact and would have been official and blunt when telling Sarek and Lady Amanda of Spock's death. He could not forgive the man for that. Thee had to be a reason for him to be such a bastard.

It was well-known Pellon's goal was to be the youngest Admiral in Command. The one fact that was generally known was that his rise in the ranks had been through temporarily relieving as an officer on different ships always at a slightly higher rank or with more duties rather that working his way up through the ranks and getting real experience on just one or two ships. He was known as a demanding senior officer by those who served under him and had only become the captain of the Dakota a year ago. Thee was a joke about how he would not know how to deal wth any situation he had not practiced at least a dozen times in simulations. It was reported that he did not like to fail and would not tolerate any form of refusal to obey his orders no matter how illogical they,

 _Illogical_. The word stopped him as he could hear echoes of it in that voice in his mind. So many times he had been told his actions were illogical but likely to produce the wanted outcome. He started deep breathing again as he needed to remain in control, he needed to remember more before he spoke with Spock's parents, needed to speak with them before he even spoke with Bones and the others. Maybe Czacheck's rather unorthodox ways worked the way many of the ones Bone used to come up with after arguing with Spock. As a light sleep claimed him he told himself he had to ask Bones about Czacheck.

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A/N Thanks for reading. Seems summer has arrived only two months late - very hot and humid in the afternoons but schools are in so beaches and rivers are ideal for self and dog. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	4. Chapter 4

In a small room with a viewing screen of the room Kirk was in Charles Czacheck looked at the two aides he had directly assisting him, the officer from the Dakota who had asked to be present, and two others who were, as he told the others, just observing what was being done. He knew his aides and the officer from the Dakota would recognize one of the observers as would his security officer but not the other officer. There had been a few looks of approval and a few raised eyebrows when he walked in.

"He is remembering more but are you not afraid it is too much for him as he seems to be in a fragile state?"

Czacheck looked at the officer who raised the question and fully understood the reason for the question from the man. "It is a method that has been very successful for me over the years even with those as traumatized as Kirk is."

"You do realize that he could kill you before we could get to you if you push him too far too fast?"

"He could but he won't as, I believe from what I know of the man, to him killing is not only the last resort but also the last thing he would do unless it were to save the life of others." He noticed how the two observers nodded. "I also believe that," he maintained eye contact with one of the observers, "these next two sessions will be the hardest on him and he will be most emotional as I will not ease back on those areas he is not acknowledging. If and when the time comes for assistance from any of you I am sure you will know. Until there is that need for assistance arises you are to remain in here and just watch. As you will be told, if you have not been informed by now, I have done this before and with success."

"He has displayed the fact he is a very private individual who possesses a very resistant attitude to revealing any vulnerability or deep emotions whatsoever even though it is clearly obvious he is aware that in order to fully recover he must fully bare to you what his six senses experienced before he went into that deep state of shock."

Czacheck looked at the observer momentarily wanting to say he was stating the obvious but realized the observer was also reminding him of how very vulnerable Jim Kirk, the celebrated and well-respected Captain, was and how, if he pushed the man too far too fast, it may cause him to totally withdraw. It was also very clear the observer knew of his past and techniques. Clearly of the five there only that man had known of his past and was reminding him that this case was different from the others as this had so many more elements than most of his past successes.

"I am aware that he has been reluctant and hesitant to dwell on the events but he **must** fully accept **all factors** of the event if he is to recover. I will not be as forceful as I get him to recall more about what he sensed as I realize he must progress the events at a rate he is comfortable with. I am not going to coddle him but I will not let him not respond."

The observer nodded, "I would not expect you to for we both know by not being made of confront such an event would allow the patient to retreat into themselves and closing out others. He must respond to really live and not just exist and he must be made to **respond as a captain** would be made and expected to to respond. Should he not respond he would have no future in Star Fleet."

Czacheck had not been surprised when his security guard spoke, "There is also fight in him. Beneath all that confusion there is a man who had **a great deal of fight in him**. He will fight you but I believe he will also fight to be a captain again."

The officer from the Dakota had looked from the two observers to him and Czacheck saw confusion on his face, "What if he does fight back, will he still be the **same** captain he was? Will he still be the captain of the Enterprise? Some say it was his entire bridge crew that, and especially his relationship with his First Officer, that made them so successful and so respected."

Looking directly at the aide Czacheck said, "I see no reason, in time, for him not be the captain he was. I am sure we have all seen officers who have suffered a deep shock recover over a period of time."

"But not **the same as he was**?"

For a moment Czacheck glanced at the two observers before looking back at the aide, "After such a major event there are bound to be changes, just as there are with each of us as we encounter different events and as we age, so he will not be exactly the same. How he reacts to the treatment and aftermath will determine how close to how he was as a captain and a person as he was before the event, or events, that caused this."

"Events? You mean he is like that not just because he killed his First Officer?"

"We have no way of knowing the depths relationships can be and what the loss of such relationships, irrespective of the cause or duration, can do to those involved. We also have no way of knowing **all** that is behind the depth of the shock so have no clear idea in how to deal with it. With some patients a single event can trigger such a deep shock as Captain Kirk is experiencing while with others there are prior events that lead to one major event which makes treating the patient most difficult as those smaller events must also be exposed and dealt with. As has already been shown here some patients are most reluctant to confront the memories of those minor events, events that may have seemed unrelated at the time."

"I had heard and read that many who are forced to confront the traumatic experience often have plunged into an irreversible catatonic, almost totally non- functional, state while before they were able to do the most basic of things for themselves. Won't this be what happens to him?"

Czacheck saw how both of the observers looked at the officer who had spoken and he then looked directly at the officer and saw how for a moment there was a flicker of either panic or fear across the man's face. It was not what Czacheck had expected but it did make him consider something that had come to him before. "It is highly unlikely as **I do not force patients** to confront their experiences. I help them remember what they can, process what they remember, and adapt to how their life will be after the event. I have seen too many cases, and read about even more cases, where patients have been forced to confront the aftermath of situations before they were ready to and in ways that only damaged them more. The beings who do that to their patients are not worthy of being called doctors, nor do they have any place in the medical profession as we take an other to do no harm. If you will excuse me I must get back to my patient."

In the darkened room Jim Kirk woke and for a moment was unsure where he was then the memories came back. He had killed Spock. Somebody else had told Spock's parents that he killed him. That image of Spock on the ground and Doctor Czacheck saying he was dead came back to him. The phaser in his hand. Spock dead on the ground. No. **No!**

"Good, you're awake Captain." he recognized the voice and inwardly braced himself.

"I want you to again lay there with your eyes closed, breathe deeply fifteen times, and then, with your eyes still shut, tell me all that you **saw** from the time you transported aboard the Dakota until your return to the Enterprise without mentioning what your other senses were telling you nor what actions you took. **Just** **what** **you** **saw**."

"We beamed over to the Dakota where you with your security officer, Captain Pellon with his security officer, and the two specialists with their security officers were waiting. You and your security officer, the two specialists with their security officers, and Spock beamed down first. When Captain Pellon, his security officer and I beamed down the two specialists and their security officers were over talking with the representatives from Jubliline Five and you, your security officer, and Spock were slightly aside just talking. There was something strange in the way the representatives from Jubliline Five and their officers reacted when they saw us. One of them gave a gesture I did not understand, I saw Spock make a move to calm the situation, I saw the Jubliline Five group scaling back their emotions and Spock start to turn to face us. I saw him, I saw him, I, I, I,"

The image of Spock turning and looking at him just as the beam hit him was clear. He had not realized, till that moment, that Spock would have known he killed him, Spock would have seen the phaser in his hand. He felt something deep in him start to shake before he struggled to control his breathing as the images became clearer. Before he had not been aware of so many details he had not allowed himself to remember.

" **What** **did** **you** **see** , Captain Kirk?"

" **DAMN YOU!** Why did you make me remember that? What sort of **a sick bastard** are you? He would have known. He would have seen me. He would have seen the phaser. He would have known. Ohmigawd, **he would have known**."

"What happened then, Captain Kirk? What did you see after that?"

As he struggled to control his breathing, to control his emotions that way Spock had taught him so many years ago. As he struggled for that control he could have sworn he heard, in that special place in his mind, that beloved voice saying ,"Jim, you are letting your emotions control your thinking and now is not the time. The time for emotionalism is later." How many times over the years had he heard those words or ones like them from Spock? As usual Spock had been right then and would be now as in order for his full memory to return he had to control his emotions and see this through. Once this was done he could shut himself away in his quarters and deal with his very human emotions.

"I saw the beam hit him. I saw the beam hit him as he saw me. I saw the phaser in my hand. I saw you rush to him, examine him, and look at Pellon as you said he was dead. You, you then reached out as though in benediction and you spoke with the Jubliline Five and then you and your officer helped the specialists get what we had gone for. I briefly saw the transporter room of the Dakota with you and your security officer, Captain Pellon and his security officer and the two specialists and their two security officers and the items from Jubliline Five before the transporter activated again then there was McCoy and Mist er Scott in the transporter room on the Enterprise."

"I sincerely apologize for making you see that all again, Captain Kirk, but you have remembered so much more. You are making the events that took place much more understandable and the information is proving helpful. I'll leave you for five minutes then we will have a final session. Try to relax."

 ** _Relax_**? The sadist had just made him remember and realize that Spock had seen the phaser in his hand, that Spock would know in those last seconds who had killed him, and expected him to relax. How was he going to live knowing not only that he had killed his best friend but also that his friend would have known who was going to kill him? More questions were needing answers than he had had before. It seemed the more he remembered the more he questioned what had happened and how. He could not remember reaching for his phaser, did not remember why Spock had turned to face him, or what he had said to calm the Jubliline Five officials. There was still no answer as to why he would have had his phaser set on kill, what would have made him ever aim a phaser at Spock, nor why he could not remember so much before.

Somehow knowing that Spock would have seen the phaser in his hand, would have known that his best friend was going to kill him, twisted something deep within him. So many things he had never told or shared with Spock came to him, so many of the things he had never thanked Spock for taunted him, so many times he had meant to let Spock know just how special he was as a friend came to him. What the hell would the final session make him remember? Wasn't it enough to remember that Spock was looking at him when he fired the phaser?

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A/N Got a very busy two days coming up so will not have another chapter up for a few days. Take care and have fun.


	5. Chapter 5

Outside the door to the room where he knew the others would be waiting, and possibly discussing what they had seen, Czacheck took a deep breath. Captain Kirk was remembering so much and much of what he was saying reflected what he had long suspected not only about Kirk and his relationship with his First Officer but also about Captain Pellon. The final session would fully test the Captain and he knew Kirk would need assistance and support afterwards. Bringing Leonard McCoy to be there for Kirk was a risk, they were not only both officer on the same ship, they not only were friends but they were both, from all he had heard, very close friends with First Officer Spock. There could be a greater risk than. . . No. No, not again. He knew what he had to do and had the Communications Officer on the Dakota get McCoy for him on his private communicator.

"McCoy here, Doctor Czacheck. Is, is there a problem with Captain Kirk's treatment?" The concern was clear in his voice and Czacheck was aware that what he had heard of the trio was true. It was known that they were three men who had a very special friendship despite their differences. Three men who clearly knew and accepted all the dangers of pushing the boundaries of known. They were a trio that had formed a friendship that had been tempered and tested by the dangers and terrors they had to overcome. Theirs was a friendship melded by the unquestioned acceptance and trust that the complement of the Enterprise fully accepted and understood them. It was that friendship that Kirk had with McCoy that would be needed after this final session. McCoy being a doctor would also be needed by Kirk.

"No, no there is no problem with the treatment it is just that I believe you should be here for the last session as I believe he is going to need you there as a friend as he has remembered so much and yet there are still some facts he needs to face. Facts he must face in order to get back his life and you being there will likely greatly help him accept the reality. How soon can,"

"I'm on my way to the Transporter Room now. McCoy out."

As he walked to the Transporter Room at a faster pace than usual Leonard McCoy wondered what he would find when he got to the Dakota. He had heard that almost all of the patients Harold Czacheck had treated made full recoveries and were allowed back to the positions they held before with no substantial decline in proficiency and no known after-effects. He was aware there was a very small percentage who had proven to be beyond his and even Vulcan abilities and skills to treat. Many of those who had been treated by him had reported that they had relived the traumatic event in greater detail than they thought they would survive and that frightened him. As far as he knew none of them had killed their closest friend. None of them had been made to remember killing their closest friend as Jim Kirk would have been made to do. What was that doing to Jim? What was that going to do to him later? He would not only relive it all here but he would have to relive it and talk about it before a hearing on his competency. For once he was not worried about what being transported was doing to his molecules, he had to get to Jim.

When he materialized on the Dakota the first person he saw was Czacheck. Although they had never really met before in person the being standing to the side of the controls was clearly Harold Czacheck in full medical mode. There was no way to tell, just from looking at the man, just what the situation was. That was something that was well known about him, his ability to be more in control of any outward display of emotion being equal to, if not better, than even Vulcans.

"While it is nice to finally meet you, Doctor McCoy, I would have liked to have done so under better circumstances."

So many things he should say came to him but all that mattered was what he asked, "How is Captain Kirk?"

"As I told you he is remembering more and more but what is to come in this session is why he will need you here foremostly as a friend as secondarily as a doctor. While he has had the occasional loss of emotional control as the memories returned when he remembered all he had felt and seen during the event there is every possibility that, as this time he must remember all that he heard, he will have a more drastic loss of emotional control. This time he will unconsciously remember those other factors as well and athey will appear as what is termed full flashbacks. I will ask him to concentrate on just what he hears but he will have those moments when his other senses will come into play. At some stage it will be inevitable that he will also see things mainly in his mind that did happen and some things that did not happen."

Only for a moment did Czacheck stop talking, and really look at him and McCoy felt himself momentarily stop breathing as he knew what that silence was saying. It was clear that Czacheck had been watching him as he nodded, "This is usually where they will come out on top or sink beyond any retrieval. This is when patients who fully recover most need those who know them best to be with them as often facing the event, as they will have through having remembered the originating ordeal using the recall ability of their main senses, is the most traumatic. He will be in an emotionally and mentally fragile state as he accepts what happened. It is also when he will, most likely, react either most violently as he confronts what has happened or have a momentary explosive emotional outburst before withdrawing deeper into himself under a guise of acceptance that most accept."

McCoy saw the real concern about the man face and posture and heard it in his voice. Knowing of the man's experience and reputation seeing and hearing that concern only deepened his concern for Jim Kirk. Reliving killing Spock would have him in more than just a fragile state. It was hard enough for him to think of Spock as dead without thinking who had killed him but for Jim to remember and relive it was more than any being should have to endure. He had seen Jim use that guise that Czacheck mentioned but wondered if he would be able to do that with this situation as his time the one who was so able to get him to drop the pretense was no longer there. He had also known of what some of those who tried to live the lie of acceptance under that guise had done to end having to exist like that. At his core he knew that Jim Kirk would also not live under that guise.

"I am not sure how he will be if he fully remembers what happened. He and Spock were like the other half of each other even for men from such different backgrounds. It is almost impossible to think of one without thinking of the other. You mentioned he had had loss of emotional control. Was this when he remembered what he had done to Spock?"

"Yes, and he was not hesitant in expressing what he thought of me." there was a softness to his voice. As McCoy watched Czacheck shook his head, "I have one rather unusual questions to ask you. It may seem an unusual one to ask but it is essential for me to know so that I am able to help him better prepare for the future. How would you expect Kirk to react if he heard even a recording of Mister Spock's voice?"

For a moment McCoy felt totally stunned and was about to question Czacheck about his methods. A regulation suddenly flashed before him about a captain's duty upon the death of a senior officer. He, and he was sure the others, had forgotten that, as his senior officer, Jim would have to hear Spock's message about what to do with his body and belongings. "When, he, he has to hear Spock's final instructions to do with his things aboard the ship we will be there with him as to hear Spock's voice after what happened will totally shatter him."

Czaceck had nodded twice as though in answer to more than just the questions he had asked aloud. "Thank you for that. I will have you wait in this room for now. I apologize that you will only be able to hear and not see Captain Kirk to start with but as he starts to remember certain events I will allow you to see him and then will allow you access to the room. He will not know you are here until you have access to the room. You must be prepared as it will likely be difficult for you as well."

It was difficult enough right there and then for him to not say how inhumane it was and that nobody who would do it should consider themselves any sort of a doctor. The one thing that stopped him was knowing that this man knew what he was doing as he had helped so many patients who had been declared too mentally traumatized to remain in Starfleet overcome whatever had so traumatized them without the patient being reliant on medications and therefore able to be on deep space ships. That knowledge let him know that he was the only being who could possibly help Jim. Clearly Czacheck was able to gauge when the patients needed help and he would be ready to give Jim Kirk any help he needed. The seat in the small room was comfortable enough but did not make the waiting any easier.

After the conversation with McCoy, with the confirmation of what he had believed, Czacheck looked back in on the five men he had in the observation room and asked to two observers to follow him. Once they were out of the room Czacheck went to the comm unit on the wall and said, "This is Czacheck. Officer Wainrite your services are required." Almost immediate an officer arrived and all Czacheck did was point to the door to the observation room and say, " **Nobody** comes out of nor goes in and the comm unit in there has been routed to only this one and set on recorded."

"Understood, Sir."

Czacheck then escorted the two observers to another small room and looked at both of them. For one of them this would be much easier than for the other as one had only to say a few words he had said while the other, he shook his head, the other he had told just to help Kirk when he knew was the right time to help him. He told them both that Kirk would most likely have a violent reaction at the end of this session and to be ready. As he looked at them he realized he would be surprised if Kirk did not violently react as he was so close to the end, so very close to the end. "You will both be watching and listening and will know when and how you should enter and what you should do."

As he started to go into the room to guide Kirk through this last stage he said a silent prayer that the two he was most relying on could help Kirk. He prayed that what he was about to do did not push Kirk, in his present state, into the world he would be forever trapped in but would be like a rebirth with him reacting to being made to face his fears and accept reality. While he had had very traumatized patients before who he had been able to help back to reality and back into deep space this case, this Captain James Kirk, was different, so very different. The other patients had been severely traumatized by known outside factors, Kirk's was internal. The last thing he wanted with Kirk was a repeat of one of his first patients who he thought he had helped make it back from a state close to Kirk's. He wanted to believe that that patient had acted to a severe bout of survivor guilt but he had a gut feeling that he had missed something while treating the man that could have prevented it. He shook his head as he remembered how he and so many others could not see through the man's exceptional guise of acceptance until almost eighteen months after the man clearly found the best way of dealing with indirectly causing the death of almost all of his bridge crew, and nearly himself, was by being on the other side of an air lock.

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A/N Thanks for reading. It'll be another few days till next chapter. Take care, have fun, and enjoy.


	6. Chapter 6

Jim Kirk did not know if he was relieved when Harold Czacheck walked back into the room or, even if he only ever admitted it to himself, afraid of what he would recall. He was still furious at the man for making him remember that Spock would have seen him pointing the phaser he used to kill him at him. Now he would have to go before that damned board of enquiry and tell them what he remembered. Every detail he remembered he would have to explain in detail to them, answer their official probing questions about it, and live with it for the rest of his life. Yes, he would have a life but he would not be alive. There were over four hundred officers who relied on him to do the right thing. How could what he had done be the right thing? How could they rely on him or even trust him? How could he face them let alone the bridge crew? And how the hell was he going to tell Sarek and Amanda what he had done?

As he got onto the bed and lay down with his eyes closed he said, "You said this was the final session so what now? You want me to remember it all in reverse?"

"Although that would help me assess your recall of events what I want you to do now is lay there with your eyes closed and breathe deeply twenty times then tell me everything you heard from when you left the Enterprise until you returned to the Enterprise."

"Everything?"

"Yes, **all** the sounds, voices, conversations, and words."

Although Jim Kirk thought it was not going to reveal anything of importance as surely what he had remembered last time was all that was needed. It was all he needed as he knew that Spock had been aware he was going to kill him. Knowing why he killed Spock would change nothing, Spock would still be dead. Dead at his hand.

"Mister Scott and Doctor McCoy told us to stay out of trouble as we got onto the Transporter pad. I remember that Spock and Mister Scott had said something to each other but I had been arranging to have a few drinks with McCoy in my Quarters when I returned so did not really hear what was said. Then there was the group on the Dakota with Pellon talking with the specialists before saying who was to beam down when. Pellon and his security officer had a bout of sinusitis and as we waited to be transported they asked how I was feeling and said that there was a sequential delay in materializing and not to worry. I remember hearing Pellon's voice as I materialized and he said I would be fine in a few minutes as I adjusted to the delay and to trust him. The two scientists were by where the items that were to be collected had been placed and were talking between themselves and their assistants-cum-security officers and you and Spock were talking and walking over to them but I could not hear as I was still feeling a bit dizzy for some reason. You had told your security guard to watch me and he had come and stood by me. I heard Pellon say to be alert as he had heard the security guards here were most protective and may not want the artifacts to be taken. I heard his security officer saying he was ready. The four Jublilne Five representatives were there and one of them said Pellon in a way that sounded like something disgusting and reviled then their security started to come forward."

"As the man said Pellon's name how did he look and how did Pellon look?"

"Yes, I looked at him as I did not know Pellon knew of anybody there as he had said he had not been there before. The man looked like he wanted to kill Pellon. When I glanced at Pellon he did not seem surprised at all. Spock stepped forward and asked if there was a problem which made their security guards stop then one of the representatives started to talk, he said something about Pellon's last visit. I heard Pellon say this is bad, then a phaser in my hand and him saying to stop it, to stop Spock from causing trouble. I heard him call out Spock's name and say 'Now" just as Spock turned to face us. I, I fired the phaser. It made a different sound to stun and I saw Spock fall. Your security guard gripped me, pinning me so that I still held the phaser, and said, "Stay still." and called out, "I have him." as you ran to Spock and examined him before saying, saying he, saying he,"

The view screen from the room McCoy was in to the darkened room Jim Kirk was in lit and McCoy could see how Kirk was firmly holding on to reality while being made to relive those moments. He heard and saw how his friend was remembering more, most likely more than he was saying. It was clear that having to relive those moments when Spock was killed were tearing him apart yet Czacheck seemed to think of them as important for Kirk to think about, to concentrate on. .

"Saying he what, Captain Kirk?" McCoy heard Czacheck's voice and silently wished the man would shut the hell up yet knew that the man knew what he was doing, knew he was the most experienced at helping officers as severely traumatized as Jim Kirk was.

"He, he's dead."

It was again that image, that moment before him even in the dimness of the room. Every detail so clear, so very clear this time. So many things he had not remembered were coming back to him. Czacheck turning to them, looking not at him but at Pellon and saying "He's dead." This time he remembered the coolness of the breeze, the way the aspen like trees moved, the expressions on the faces of the specialists and their guards, the tightening of the grip the security guard had on him and hearing him say "Stay still." and "I have him.", just as he heard Pellon's voice saying, "Excellent.", and the voice of his security guard saying, "Yes."

"What else, Captain Kirk? Was there anything, **anything** at all between when I declared Mister Spock dead until you returned to the Enterprise that you now remember?"

"I heard Pellon say something was excellent and his security say yes just after your security guard had tightened his hold on me and told me to be still. Pellon called for an emergency evacuation. I, I saw, I saw how you reached out and touched Spock's body as though in benediction. Pellon ordering you back in time for the beam up telling you to leave Spock's body. Then Pellon thanking me as we materialized back on the Dakota and then Doctor McCoy and Mister Scott asking me if I was okay and asking where Spock was."

"You seemed what, annoyed or angered that I touched Mister Spock?"

"Pellon just left his body there. You at least got to touch him, you got to, you got to say goodbye to him. You got to," almost uncontrollable shaking seemed to seize Kirk as he fought to not entirely breakdown. Although he had seen the beam hit Spock and seen Spock fall he had hoped he could get to him, to say how sorry he was and goodbye but that damned officer held him back. Spock would have seen him holding the phaser. Spock would have known.

McCoy heard a click and knew it meant that access to the room Jim was in was available and, after hesitating for a moment, he realized that his friend needed him now. No matter what was to come, Jim needed him now. He slid the door open and took four steps into the room towards his friend, "Jim, its McCoy, I'm,"

There were very few occasions that McCoy could remember where he had been so tightly embraced, nor when his friend had clung to him as though clinging to life itself. For at least, by McCoy's calculations, three minutes Jim Kirk had clung to him and very uncontrollably sobbed, repeating over and over that he had killed his best friend. The only thing McCoy knew he could do was be there and hold his friend, rub his back and let him know he was there for him to hold onto for as long as he needed. Gradually he felt Kirk regaining control of himself and when Kirk did look at him he saw a man so haunted by what he had done that McCoy wondered about his friend's sanity.

"Oh, Bones. He would have seen. He would have known. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. Pellon left his body there. He could have had it beamed up but he didn't. He beamed us up and left Spock's body there. Czacheck at least gave him a benediction."

The lighting brightened gradually as Czacheck entered the room. "Actually you are wrong there, Captain Kirk."

There was no mistaking the anger that flashed across Kirk's face as he turned and looked at Czacheck, " **What the hell do you mean by that?** I saw you."

"How aware are you of the many skills and abilities of engineers and scientists on the Dakota, Captain?"

"What has that go to do with,"

"In other words you, like so many others, do not know that many of the engineers and scientists on the Dakota were on the Manatana."

"What has that got to do with,"

"What those scientists and engineers were able to come up with was an individual transporter unit to my SickBay. It was one of the few things we managed to salvage and had not been fully tested." Czacheck hesitated for a moment as he saw some hint of realization showing on both faces and he nodded. "But right now I need you yo think, Kirk, Think back, Kirk. Think back to what happened as you pulled the trigger on the phaser."

"Do you think I will ever forget that? I aimed the phaser and fired. I killed,"

"Think, Kirk, **think**. Did the action of my security guard happen before, during, or after you fired?"

"I felt the phaser in my hand and," Kirk stopped and looked at McCoy then at Czacheck then back at McCoy as he shook his head, "I do not remember drawing my phaser nor starting to pull the trigger." He looked back at Czacheck, "I was pulling the trigger as your officer gripped my hand and bear-hugged me," Kirk shook his head and looked at McCoy as he remembered just starting to pull the trigger, "I cannot remember setting it on kill. I did not set it on kill, it should have been stun, it should have been stun." The realization he had not done something as elemental as checking the setting of his phaser had cost his friend's life brought back all the horror and the reality of what he had done. He could see sympathy about the blue eyes looking at him as he kept repeating, "It should have been stun, it should have been stun."

"But it wasn't, was it?"

"No. It was on kill. You said he was dead. You gave him a benediction."

"A benediction?"

"You pronounced him dead and reached out before coming back as Pellon ordered for beam up."

"Kirk, I am not an overly religious man and I know Vulcans are also not that religious. It was **no benediction**."

Anger filled Kirk, "If it was not a benediction **what the hell were you doing** reaching our and touching him after pronouncing him dead?"

* * *

 **A/N** Summer might have come late but it has come with full force. Think if I have any more berries and ice cream I will be a blimp by autumn. Hope all is well with you guys. Thanks for reading. Enjoy.


	7. Chapter 7

When Czacheck remained quiet but looking at him Kirk shook off McCoy's hand and took a step closer to the doctor, fury and anger mixing and welling up in him, "Well, **what the hell** gave you **the right to touch him**? If it was not a benediction **what the hell was it?** "

From behind him came a voice, a beloved voice he thought he would never hear again, "It was, as he mentioned earlier, Captain, him,' while the voice kept entering his ears and words registered with his brain all he could do was walk slowly up to what he was sure was a projected image, only to find when he embraced it that it was solid, it was that lean muscular form he was familiar with and he was beyond the state of ecstasy when two arms wrapped around him and he felt hands rubbing his back, "attaching to me part of an individual transporter unit that transported me directly to his SickBay. When he first bent over me to check for life he could tell that officer Twindell had ensured that I did not sustain a sufficiently long enough blast from the phaser to kill me. The blast was strong enough to cause sufficient damage that not only rendered me unconscious but that also required a substantial amount o time in a deep healing trance with some external assistance. It seems that Doctor Czacheck and Doctor M'Benga both served time working with Vulcan healers to learn those things that the elders have said off-worlders who may encounter Vulcans in need of medical assistance could learn. It is very apparent that, like M'Benga, he was a very good learner of the ways. He enabled me to remain undisturbed for three hundred and sixteen point one nine standard minutes and was there to assist me into full cognizance of what had happened and what was happening. I have faint recollections of being somewhat aware at times of you needing me but I could not get to you. I knew you had McCoy with you and the others who would protect you so I could recover. I had to recover as not only was Czacheck's treatment, that is a special Vulcan inhalation, but I could sense you were full of what would be a what Humans call a soul-destroying guilt and I knew it was not your doing."

He was aware of hearing the words but they meant nothing. All that was real, all that mattered, all Jim Kirk could do at that moment was cling to the precious being who was now also holding him tightly. All he could feel was the unconditional love and trust and safety he had always found in that embrace. All that existed at that moment was this, this feeling he had thought he would never feel again and being with the special being he thought he would never see again, much less hold and be held by. There were others around, he knew, but he did not care if they saw him like this, clinging to and being held by, this special being and sobbing so much with emotions pouring out of him frp, so many levels of relief he could hardly stand and all he could say was "You're alive. You're alive."

It had taken McCoy a few minutes, he knew that that blasted walking-computer could have said how many minutes, to accept what had just happened. His mind was still trying to accept what Czacheck had said earlier about an individual transporter unit to linked to his sickbay that was made from salvaged items and that it had not been fully tested. He had clearly been able to get it onto Spock and been able to get treatment started on Spock within that fifteen minute window before a Vulcan, struck by a short blast from a Starfleet issue phaser set on kill, was so badly internally damaged there is no chance of survival. Jim had said that Czacheck's security guard had stayed with him, that Czacheck's guard had grabbed him as soon as he started to fire.

Czacheck's guard was Twindell. He had heard or read something about them. Czacheck and Twindell, Czacheck and Twindell. Damn. There was something about those two names together. Czacheck and Twindell. Twindell and Czacheck. No, they did not matter, all that mattered was the pointy-eared, green-blooded walking computer of a hobgoblin he was pleased to call a friend was back and clearly himself again. As he watched the reunion of his two closest friends he felt such great happiness for them and yet a twinge of what? Envy? Sadness? Exclusion?

As he watched them he was pleased they had each other again, more pleased than he possibly would ever admit. For sixteen days he had helped Jim Kirk deal with believing he had killed his best friend and for those sixteen days he had had to bury his own deep feeling of loss in order to help Jim Kirk. It was only right that these two close friends have this reunion alone. He started to turn as he would leave them to celebrate and he would find that special bottle he had and later,

"McCoy?" the voice was soft but unmistakable and he looked back at the two only to see Spock looking at him and holding out an arm to him with the unsaid on a face so many said was inscrutable For a moment he felt only the reassuring and welcoming hug from his Vulcan friend and then he was aware of Kirk moving and wrapping his arm over him in a hug. Deep inside him McCoy knew, as he was sure the other two did, that one day one or more of them would not recover, not return, but for that moment that reality did not matter. This band, this bond of love and acceptance was enough. This special combination of emotion, logic, and action oriented beings belonged together in this moment to reconnect and share what they and they alone shared. A piece of literature he had read years ago while studying old Earth's literature came to him, some playwright had written, "We brothers, we band of brothers," and that was what he felt with these two very different, very special men: that they were brothers despite and because of their differences.

Gradually Kirk's emotional turmoil settled and he felt his Vulcan friend realize it and help him ease back to the present. As he watched he saw McCoy also compose himself as he leaned against Spock and saw how gently as the so often so very Human Vulcan also helped him ease back to the present. Slowly he turned and looked at where officer Twindell stood next to Czacheck, "I want to thank you for what you did for me, for us."

The man gave a nod, "That was my duty, Captain, I am sorry that I bruised your ribs as all I was thinking of at the time was stopping you." He then looked at Czacheck, "I'll be in my quarters if you need me. I'll have my report done for you." Czacheck had nodded and Kirk realized from how they looked at one another that they had a relationship that was more than just fellow officers, more like what he had with the two with him.

Once it was just the four of them Czacheck looked steadily at each of them then nodded as though he had seen an answer to some deep question, or series of related questions. " **Now** we have to deal with Pellon. **Now we have enough** to stop him and the answers to questions regarding just how he went up the ranks as fast as he did. We know you, Kirk, **earned your way** up but there has been some questions as to just how Pellon has done so."

With Czacheck having said that brought back to Kirk what he had remembered and now saw how evident it was that Pellon had clearly been to Jubliline Five before and Kirk wondered if he had planned this whole thing. He had been surprised when Command had told him that the Enterprise was to escort the Dakota back to Command to be decommissioned and had jokingly, he had hoped, been reminded how often Pellon had said he wanted the best starship and not only did he not want to have to wait for a new starship but also did not accept that it was the crew that made a ship like the Enterprise the best. The crew, he looked at McCoy and Spock, and nodded to himself. Yes, the crew from the bridge crew to the newest ensign all working as a unit was what made his ship the best. He doubted if there was a more loyal crew than he was fortunate to have.

"We can continue this discussion on the Enterprise after the three of us have freshened up, if you do not mind." Czacheck nodded this thanks and Kirk said, "Officer Twindell is welcome to accompany us."

"I will advise him that I will be on your ship, Captain, and that he is welcome to join us. I will also ask him to bring his report with him as I believe you will find it most interesting."

"No offence meant," McCoy started, "but I'll also want to check Spock over in my own Sickbay as,"

"No offence taken, Doctor McCoy, and no need to explain as I know of your history and your high standards and I would have been surprised if you had not done so before our meeting. If positions had been reversed I would also want to do the same. Captain, I too, would like to freshen up and I still have others to deal with before I beam over. I will beam over thirty standard minutes after you, if that is not rushing you.. Should Pellon ask I am just making sure how Kirk is."

Kirk looked at Czacheck, at Spock, at Bones, then back at Czacheck and saw the truth, they all thought as he did, that Pellon was after the Enterprise and that Pellon had been to Jubliline Five before and not made a favorable impression.

"That will be sufficient time for us to freshen-up and McCoy to satisfy his curiosity about my physical condition." Spock had looked at both McCoy and Kirk and then at Czacheck, "If I am not mistaken one of those other three observers was one of Pellon's officers, one who was usually with him." Kirk and McCoy shared a satisfied look as they saw an eyebrow arch slightly. "You are aware,"

"Yes and I had no hesitation in allowing him to watch as I will not dismiss those three until I am on my way to be beamed over to the Enterprise. Officer Wainrite will ensure nobody leaves the room till I get there and I have a feeling that we will find the recording during the period from when their ability to hear what was going on until they are released will be informative. I am sure that as soon as I release them that that one will go directly to Pellon like a well-trained little puppy and tell him how Captain Kirk remembered so much. They know nothing of you being alive. The last they saw and heard was when I asked Captain Kirk what had annoyed or angered him when I had touched you."

Spock had nodded, "Those other two were there to engage in conversation with him."

"Yes, but they had instructions not to be the ones to initiate the conversation **with him**. They could, however, state talking with one another. I believe that Pellon's officer will want to get to him as soon as possible to tell him all that was remembered so Pellon is ready for what is to come, or rather," Czacheck looked at Kirk and then back at Spock, " **what they think** is to come."

Kirk had seen that slight smile when Czacheck had said " _think is to come_ " that made him wonder what else Czacheck had planned. "I look forward to hearing that conversation. We shall see you on the Enterprise."

* * *

A/N Looks like we've had summer - a whole two weeks of it - as today was just ideal for working in the vegetable garden and getting the bulb beds ready for their winter rest. May get back to thins in 2 - 4 days. Enjoy. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	8. Chapter 8

There was no denying the great surprise and pleasure on Mister Scott's face when he saw Spock and Spock knew, as did McCoy and Kirk, that it was only having the control panel in front of him that stopped the Scotsman from rushing up to them and unceremoniously hugging him . "Mister Spock! Tis, tis more than grand ta see ye again and ta see ye looking so well. When the others know t'will be a few drinks to celebrate this."

"Mister Scott, while being back on the Enterprise and seeing you again is most pleasant I would appreciate it if, for now, the rest of the crew know nothing of my return just at present. "

"But ye must know," for a moment the two looked at one another and to both only the other existed in that moment. Spock saw the true emotions of companionship and affection mixed with relief and dawning understanding about the man's eyes. "Ye'll be needing the corridors cleared to your," the Scotsman paused and nodded, "to the Captain's quarters. Security would be a mite curious if there t'was any access to your quarters."

Spock looked at Kirk and saw he was equally as surprised then looked back at Scotty, "Chekov decided that with the Captain nae feeling so well and, well, with us being told ye were dead, that your quarters be secured. Something about only McCoy, the Captain in his right mind, and your family having any right to be into your quarters."

"I must thank him for his care and diligence. Having the corridors cleared would be most helpful."

"Aye, be just a moment." Even as he was speaking he was reaching out to the comm unit, "Uhura, please have the corridors between the Transporter Room and the Captain's quarters cleared. He is back with the two doctors and tis best the crew nae see him right now."

"Is he," the concern was in her voice and Kirk wanted to reassure her he was fine. He was just about to start when he heard.

"I will tell ye later, lass, but he looks a mite better than before. Right now tis best that he get to his quarters unseen. Ah, there will be no need for the corridors to be cleared when Doctor Czacheck's officer arrives later as I will escort him to the quarters."

Before he had even finished in the background Kirk and the others could hear Uhura giving the order to clear the corridors to his quarters. As he looked at Spock he saw the slight nod and saw Scott's nod. As he looked at them Kirk realized that despite all their differences there was a tremendous unity and understanding between the two of them. There was also that unquestioning cohesiveness within his senior crew.

A light by the comm unit flashed four times, a notification from Uhura that the corridors had been cleared, and seemed to draw Spock back from where he had mentally gone. There was something about the two surnames when said together that he remembered but always with a third name he could not recall involved. He knew if he could remember that third name he would know why the other two were important but also knew it was most illogical to concentrate on the matter as he would remember in time. Both Czacheck and McCoy agreed that he would remember much ore in time and he knew Czacheck had had two more years of advanced medical study than M'Benga with regard to the treatment of Vulcans. If it were of some real significance he would, given time, remember the details.

Once in Kirk's quarters McCoy went to the comm unit, "Uhura, McCoy here. We're in his quarters. I do not want him disturbed for," he glanced at Czacheck and saw how he looked at Kirk and Spock and saw uncertainty on two faces and acceptance, as he expected to see, on the third face. None of them knew.

"I will tell the crew that you and the Captain are not to be disturbed until further notice as he still has to recover and finish with meetings with Command. Ensign Hawstone will be along shortly with a trolley, let you know it is there and stay outside the door. It is just some light meals I thought you might like. Uhura out."

Spock nodded, he had known for a long time that Uhura was a highly skilled linguist and by her actions she also showed how she would make an excellent commanding officer. He recalled several occasions when she had more than proven her ability to command and lead, even if some of her logic was oddly disjointed and her actions a brilliant mixture of emotional drive, cunning thinking, linguistic alacrity with depth, and an unusual under-standing of basic applied physics to use those items around her to more than make up for any physical limitations she may encounter.

Down in the Transporter Room Montgomery Scott paced as he wondered if he had done the right thing. It had seemed the right thing and only been a wee lie. Well, two small lies. He had known when he said that the Captain could severely reprimand him but it was what felt he had to do to surprise, help, and protect a friend. No, it was, when he thought of it, three lies total he had told. All related and all necessary.

He saw he had two awaiting being beamed aboard and hesitated only for a moment. It was best to get the officer they were expecting aboard then the other matter. The scan indicated no threat to the ship from either but did indicate he was carrying three liters of liquids in containers, most likely what Doctor Czacheck needed. The man was slightly taller than Kirk, had a genuine smile when they saw each other, and was about Kirk's age or slightly older, and had an easy manner about him as he said, "Officer Twindell requesting permission to come aboard."

"Permission granted, welcome aboard the Enerprise."

The man walked up to him and held out a medium sized bag, "I believe you and the senior bridge crew will best enjoy these. Through conversations with one of your senior officers I gathered that you would need these to celebrate his return." When he looked in into the bag Scotty immediately recognized the contents to be three bottles of very expensive alcoholic liquids.

"What? Why, thank ye, laddie. I think I know who would have told ye. Now, I just need to get this next matter dealt with and I will take ye to where they are."

"I am in no real hurry and it will be interesting to see the miracle worker in action."

Miracle worker? Scotty half-smiled as he beamed aboard what was going to, he was sure, cause a major problem explaining. A young ensign stood on the platform looking unsure of what to do, "Welcome aboard the Enterprise, laddie. Let me help ye with that."

It was all the Engineer could do to get the straps to the bag the young man was holding out of his white-knuckled hands. "Now stay right there, lad." Quickly he got back to the control and moved them so the lad would not be any more shocked than he clearly way.

He went to the comm unit and asked Uhura to get him back in contact with a place he had earlier given her the number to, "This is Montgomery Scott of the Enterprise."

"You got the delivery?"

"Aye, and thank ye. How is the lad?" He nay looked too good here."

"Oh, that was his second time to be beamed to a starship and he had heard of the very exacting standards set by the complement of the Enterprise. You did pay more,"

"Give whatever was overpaid to the lad and some to yourself."

"I do not know how you can stand what is,"

"Ahhh, after I have it I do not stand for too long. Thank ye again. Scott, Enterprise, out." As he broke the connection he pressed another button and two officers came in, "I nay know when I will be back. I have matters to attend for the Captain." Only then did he turn and look at the officer who had been watching him. "Well, we best not keep them waiting."

McCoy was just opening the door to take in the trolley when he saw Officer Twindell and Scotty walking towards him, and noticed an unusual look on the Chief Engineer's face then saw he was carrying two bags. While Scotty held onto one bag he handed the other to McCoy and saw the pleasant surprise on his face when he looked in the bag and escorted Twindell over to the group.

As Scotty stood looking in at how the others set out the light meals and noticed that not only was more than sufficient food but it was obvious that there was not much that Spock could eat without digestive upset. He had been looking at the dishes and not first noticed that Spock and Kirk had walked over to him till he became aware of a feeling of being studied and realized that Spock was really looking at him. For a moment he found it almost impossible to look into the two dark eyes clearly seeing his unease, and he handed over the bag, "As we nay can tell the others as if there were to be a request for a Vulcan meal the computer would flash in medical and, without McCoy there, it would be investigated so I, I," he looked away suddenly aware of how the others were now looking at him and then looked at Spock and saw, as usual, no judgement about the dark eyes. "I lied when I told them they were for me. I lied when I told them I liked them. And I lied to Officer Thonlinton about restocking the ingredients for Vulcan fare to his orders for the main food replicator and he asked why and I said I had developed a liking for them. I got the three mains as Thonlinton said it would take him three days to get your Vulcan ingredients back in the replicator. I'm sorry, Sir, but I would nay be able to live with it as my diet and know ye would nae like to have to eat what we do for so long."

Spock looked in the bag and saw "Vulcan Plomeek Soup" written on a label to one large container, "Vulcan Vegetable Casserole" on another, and "Vulcan Layered Vegetable Stack" then looked at the Chief Engineer and saw the satisfaction yet the guilt as the man looked back at him. He realized that the man felt guilt for not telling the truth to others yet was clearly satisfied with his actions. As he looked at the man he wondered how he could express his thanks as he knew that the establishment he would have got the food from was very good at preparing Vulcan and other non-Human meals, he also knew that had Scott not told Officer Thonlinton to restock the ingredients of Vulcan meals that there was a very great likelihood that for some time he would have to survive on purely Human vegetarian meals which often upset his digestive system.

"As usual, Mister Scott, your thinking is perhaps illogical from a Human viewpoint but you should know that when it is looked at logically you did not lie on any of those three occasions but merely gave a shortened version of what you meant to say which meant that some facts were unavoidably excluded."

For a moment Spock watched as the Chief Engineer clearly processed and understood what he said and he saw the visible relief replace to guilt and self-blame, "I thank you for your consideration in getting these for me in ways not to divulge that I am back aboard the Enterprise."

Spock nodded as he kept looking at Scotty, "I can fully understand that you would find it difficult to live on a Vulcan diet and I can assure you, after having consumed one two hundred and twenty-five gram serving of haggis, I would find it difficult to survive long with it as my diet. I have also had time to consider the most difficult situation my earlier request has put you in."

Confusion was plain of the familiar face, "And what request is that, Sir?"

"That the rest of the crew not be told of my return. If the Captain permits it I would greatly appreciate meeting, here in the Captain's quarters, with Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov. They, like yourself, will ensure that the rest of the crew do not know of my presence."

"I think that would be the best way to do it, Spock." Kirk had walked over to join them. "We all know that those three can keep things from even you so to keep it from the rest of the crew will be easy for them and believing you to be dead has them deeply depressed. Scotty can tell them to all come here. You just better be prepared of some emotional overload."

"Aye, I'll be only too pleased to pass the message, Sir. Well, if you'll excuse me, Sirs, I will contact Uhura and have her bring the other two with her then I best be getting back to me bairns, those two I left are good but if something went wrong two drunk headless chickens would be able to do better."

Once Scotty had gone Spock saw the others were already having something to eat, noticing how Kirk was looking at him as though suddenly realizing there was nothing really suitable for him. He gave Kirk a nod and, with his eyes, indicated the bag in his hand then put two of the containers in the small refrigeration unit in Kirk's quarters and prepared a small bowl of the plomeek soup before joining the group. It was as he remembered it being from that establishment, so much like the soup made on Vulcan. It was most pleasant to have something that was not reconstituted. For a moment, as he savored the soup, he closed his eyes and realized just how well the bridge crew really not only knew him but also how much they cared about him. He allowed himself to smile as he remembered the first time Mister Scott had tried plomeek soup and how, having known the man for so long, he knew it was obvious that it took all the man's willpower to swallow it.

* * *

 **A/N** Another frantically busy week (weather permitting) so may not get back to this for a week. Thanks for taking tome to read this. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as he got back to Engineering Scotty told the two officers to wait and then went to his comm unit. "Lieutenant Uhura, could ye, Sulu, and Chekov all report to Captain Kirk's quarters now, please, He wishes to speak with ye collectively. Scott, out." He smiled to himself as he knew, making it so short, would likely have them wondering what was really going on, and turned his attention to the two young officers before him and just kept looking at them till he saw that both of them were thinking over everything that had happened while they were there alone. "Ye two both did a good job and I'll tell the Captain that you two deserve some extra shore leave time. If you want it here ye best tell me now so I get it done."

Even before the two answered the Scotsman had seen the look they exchanged and knew the answer. He knew of the many attractions Command had and had been sure his officers would welcome the extra time off the ship.

"If it is possible, Sir, we would appreciate it here."

"No promises now but I'll ask, wait outside." Once both were out the Chief Engineer looked at the roster he had, the time, and nodded to himself. He walked to the door and looked at the two young officers, seeing the hopefulness about the faces and stance, "It is nae often that I will do this, it is nae something that tis done but ye both have twelve hours extra shore leave starting now. I expect nae trouble and nae delay reporting for your next shift. Ye have your communicators and if ye are needed back here I expect ye back immediately, understood?"

Almost in unison he heard, "Yes, Sir."

"Well, don't be just a'standin' there then." He smiled to himself as he punched in the time they were due back on ship. There was that hearing to finish, more crew were yet to have time off ship, and some new crew was to get familiar with the ship and that would take longer than twelve hours. If need be he would inform the Captain later as he knew that both Spock and McCoy would often allow officers extra shore leave when time allowed without it being taken as their officially recorded and allocated time off the ship after the officers had done something they thought warranted some form of recognition that was not officially recorded.

As Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov walked to the Captain's quarters for a few minutes there was silence and then Chekov stopped and looked at the other two, "What if the Keptin is still as he was? He was him but he was not him. What if,"

"I do not want to even think that, Chekov, but this could be a way for Doctor McCoy to tell us away from others exactly how he is and what happens next. You know, give us time to adapt if things are bad before we had to deal with the rest of the crew. Or," Sulu nodded his head, "it could be that there is an improvement and we can somehow help."

"If we can help I am sure that we could get others of the crew to help as well with so many little things that might also help." Uhura looked away for a few seconds then at her two friends, "Or," she nodded, "it could be that he made a full recovery and yet is still having trouble with, with."

"That's just it." Sulu nodded, "I do not think he will ever fully recover as he did kill Mister Spock and we all know how close they were."

"Yes, Keptin Pellon said it was like he changed when he realized he'd killed Mister Spock," Chekov also nodded, "Said the Keptin knew he had to stop him to protect the mission but the Keptin would have stunned him, not killed him. He would have stunned him."

Sulu nodded, "The Captain always had his phaser set on stun so had to have tried to stop Mister Spock but for some reason,"

" **No** ," Uhura shook her head, "There just is no way the Captain would have killed Spock. He would have checked the phaser first. He always had his on stun. There had to be something very, very wrong and desperate for him to fire a phaser on the kill setting. He simply just **would not** have killed Spock."

"But what else would have him like that?" Sulu was clearly shaken by all the evidence and explanations, "Captain Pellon said that the Captain had reacted to stop the situation escalating, that he ordered Spock to stop but he ignored orders and that the only thing that could be done was to stop Spock and that the Captain just fired his phaser. We've all seen officers suffering from great shock and he was showing all the signs of a very deep and great shock. Like Chekov said, he was still the Captain but he was not the Captain we have known for so long, he was not himself to his core. It was like something had taken whatever made him him was gone and we had something else that physically looked and sounded like him but was not him."

"Can either of you actually **see him killing Spock**?" Uhura paused to look at her two friends, "Him being the one to turn a phaser set to kill on Spock after all they mean to each other, after all they have been through together? I still cannot believe he did it. **I refuse to believe it**."

Outside the door to Kirk's quarters Sulu looked at Uhura as did Chekov, "Although I find it difficult to believe it I also saw how he was. That sort of shock, to me, indicated he did it, he killed Spock. He may have thought his phaser was on stun, we were not told the circumstances, but they all said the Captain was the one to fire the phaser and it was set on kill."

"The Keptin always had his phaser on stun unless things were really bad. Keptin Pellon did not say what had happened only that the Keptin had killed Mister Spock." Chekov had shaken his head, "The Keptin **always had it on stun**."

"We'll soon know. It will be good to know just what has happened and how we can help the Captain." Uhura slowly placed her hand on the panel to notify the Captain they were there.

After Scotty had left Kirk looked at Spock, "Before they get here do you want to be here or wait in the sleeping alcove till,"

"I believe I will stand beside Doctor McCoy as he will be best able to ensure that there is no real emotional overload."

McCoy was momentarily stunned as he was so used to Spock calling him overly emotional and warned him his emotions would cause him troubles and for Spock to now say he would be able to ensure there would be no real emotional overload was both surprising and the high praise from him. He rocked slightly on his heels as he looked at his friend, "Why, thank you, Spock, I will do my best to do that."

"I appreciate that you were able to control your own emotions upon seeing me, Doctor, and I am sure that you will help the others curb their emotions as you will know what words to use should they be needed."

Jim Kirk smiled to himself as this was a rare thing, yet something he knew well, to see the two so openly showing not only their understanding of one another but also their deep seldom openly acknowledged or displayed friendship. He had seen them like that many times when it was just the three of them but Captain Czacheck and Officer Twindell were also there.

As soon as he heard the buzz that let the five of them know the others had arrived Kirk said, "Enter."

Although later none of the Humans remembered exactly what happened Spock clearly recalled how the three had first only looked at Kirk and they looked relieved then saw McCoy and nodded, and then saw him. For three point six seconds Sulu and Chekov just stood looking at him and then rushed up to him to clasp his hand and slap him on the back as he had long ago realized was a very Human reaction to the great pleasure at meeting again with one for whom there are deep positive feelings. He was aware that Uhura had tears in her eyes, her hands were cupped over her mouth as though trying to smother the words, "You're alive, you're alive.", and she had been shaking her head as though not believing it. There was no mistaking that through the tears was a glow of love and, when he had held out a hand to her and softly said, "Yes, Uhura." she had ignored his hand and pushed Sulu and Chekov aside as she rushed forward and brieflytightly hugged him then quickly released him and stepped back. "I. I'm sorry but you are real, **you are here, you are alive.**"

Spock quickly raised an eyebrow as he looked at McCoy and nodded, "Does this qualify as emotional overload?" It pleased him to see his five friends smile and laugh as it was a feeling of being home.

"It gives me pleasure to introduce to you, Doctor Czacheck and Officer Twindell, Three of the most efficient officers you could find on any ship's bridge. Lieutenant Sulu who is one of the Fleet's best at the helm, Ensign Chekov who shows excellent navigational what would challenge some of the Fleet's more senior officers in the some position, and Lieutenant Uhura who is undoubtedly the Fleet's best Communications Officer." as he named them each nodded at the two visitors. "It is because of Officer Twindell's initial action and Captain Czacheck's quick action and administrations that I am still alive."

"Thank you both so very, very much. I, I am sure I speak," Uhura looked at the others then back at Captain Czacheck, " not only for just us but for the compliment of the Enterprise as we are incomplete without Mister Spock with us."

Czacheck smiled and nodded, "It was," he looked at Twindell and, while the others might not have noticed it, Spock saw how Czacheck and Twindell looked at each other for two point eight seconds before Czacheck continued, "the least we could do at the time. We are on the same team if not the same ship."

Again that taunting hint of a memory came to Spock. There was something in the depths of his memory about those names, _Czacheck and Twindell_ , and now especially with that saying _same team if not the same ship_. It was, if he cared to admit it, most annoying as he knew there was a connection, there was something that linked all three. While he had every confidence in McCoy's assessment that he would remember he just had hoped it would be at a faster rate. He had a sense that he had to remember the connections soon, they seemed related and connected with what had happened.

"It was most pleasing to have such a welcome back to the ship and I am most relieved to be back with you. I will meet with you individually later but I believe that Captain Czacheck, Doctor McCoy, Officer Twindell, the Captain and I have matters we must attend to with regard to an upcoming meeting at Command."

The three looked at each other then Sulu looked at Spock and said, "We will make no mention to anybody that you are alive, Sir. It will be up to you and the Captain as when it is appropriate to do so. We will be at our stations should we be needed." All three nodded and left.

Once they were alone again the five men were silent for four point eight minutes before Officer Twindell said, "We had heard how united your crew is, Captain Kirk, and now we have seen how correct that statement was. I now think both crews would be pleased if we were able to not only find out who was behind the attack on Mister Spock but also who had reason to want to implicate you as the killer."

"While I believe we have an assumption as to who and why that, as Mister Spock would no doubt point out to us," McCoy looked at his Vulcan friend, "it is illogical to assume that a person is guilty of a crime without irrefutable proof. I do not think we have anything that could be called proof."

"Quite correct, Doctor. I am reasonably confident we have all encountered situations where the guilty parties, due to lack of proof, were released. You are also correct, Doctor, in that we have no proof and I believe we are unsure of exactly where we would now find any proof as there has been sufficient time for the perpetrator to destroy any proof."

For a moment the Enterprise trio saw how Twindell looked at Spock, "Do you not think that should be **perpetrators**?"

The question made Spock really look a the man and could see that he clearly had the same suspicions he had. To carry out such a thing would require more than one being to ensure it appeared an accident. There was also still the question of why the security on Jublilne Five had reacted as they had. He nodded , "There would be the main perpetrator and they would have others to support them and assist them in carrying out their action as well as destroying any evidence."

"Any other time my first reaction would have been to send you to find answers, Spock, but at the time I was not coping well believing you dead. Whoever is behind this had time to cover their tracks." Kirk saw how Spock was looking a him, "I mean they would have had time enough to ensure that there was no way to discover they were responsible."

"I am familiar with the expression, Captain, I was attempting to calculate the various tasks that would be required, the number of persons who would be involved, and the amount of time it would take to destroy all implicating evidence. Without exact details of locations for reference points and data about the materials used I am finding it difficult to include or exclude personnel. I believe Doctor McCoy was correct in that my mental skills are taking some time to improve but I am aware they are improving. I apologize for not being," Spock stopped when he saw Kirk raise his hand.

"There is nothing to apologize for, Spock. This was not your fault. The main thing is that you are alive and McCoy said your mental abilities would return to normal in time. I just wish I knew what really happened but, as we all seem to acknowledge, there is no physical evidence and whatever we think would just be conjecture. So unusual that tomorrow is a summation hearing and there is no finding to me made."

"We appreciate you making accommodation available to us as we shall stay aboard this evening and accompany you to the hearing tomorrow." Czacheck looked at Kirk, "If you will excuse us we will leave now and meet up with you in the morning. I suspect you three have a great deal to discuss before confronting the hearing tomorrow."

"Well before we discuss too much with Spock I'd really like to take him to my Sickbay and officially clear him to be aboard the ship. It would be helpful if I had,"

"I believe you will need this, "Czacheck held out a small disc, "all that I have from what I did. I could not record it on the ship's computer with the unknown factors about what happened. I knew you would want to know what was done. I did a thorough check of his systems just prior to beaming over and you will find his readings not only clear him to be aboard your ship but also," he looked at Kirk, "at the hearing should need arise."

McCoy took the disc and had so many questions but after a quick look at Kirk and Spock realized they really were all starting to think along the same lines. "Thank you for this."

"While you two work out where Spock spends the night I will escort our guests to their quarters."

* * *

A/N Thanks for reading. Torrential rain forecast again today - lawn slowly becoming a mower killing mass of green. Will post again in about three days. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	10. Chapter 10

Once they were alone McCoy looked at Spock, "Now I know you might want to go to your quarters but till this hearing is out of the way and **all** the crew knows you're back it may be best you bunk down," Spock was aware that McCoy had paused and looked at him to see understanding in the blue eyes that looked back at him, "here with Jim. Know when Jim comes back he will have the extra bedding you will need."

Spock raised an eyebrow as he realized he must have missed some exchange between his two friends for Jim to be bringing extra bedding to his own quarters. He nodded to himself as he realized that just as he and Jim could have silent communications in front of McCoy it was likely that Jim and McCoy had silent conversations in front of him. No, not likely. they did as so often McCoy and Jim had also seemed to know exactly what the other was going to say or do and while familiarity could but the reason it was more likely that silent communications. "I wish to take this time to thank you for being of the support you would have been for Jim during the first few days when it was believed I was dead. It would have been hardest for Jim to deal with as he would have believed he had killed me. I," as Spock looked at McCoy he saw his words were bringing back memories that upset his friend, "Doctor, I regret any,"

"It, it wasn't your doing, dammit!" McCoy closed his eyes and bowed his head as the control he had maintained on his emotions started to finally slip.

He did not see Spock close the four steps between them, only felt the hand briefly rest on his shoulder before he suddenly let his emotions out as he stepped forward half a step to cling to that thin but muscular frame and fought to deal with the emotions he had kept to himself since Kirk had come back in that trauma caused stupor. Time had no meaning as he quietly sobbed against his friend, aware that one arm wrapped around him as comfort and support him, and hearing a beloved voice trying to soothe him, "I regret this emotional load you have had to bear for so long, Leonard. It was beyond my control for some days to be of any assistance and it was in those early days that Jim would have needed you most and you were there for him. I thank you for that. Now, in here, you can rid yourself of what that restraint of your so very Human emotions has burdened you with."

"Spock."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Be quiet. If you don't mind I need a moment of pure, genuine Human emotionalism."

The only reply he got was a change in how Spock slightly relaxed which let him know that his Vulcan friend, who professed not to understand Human emotionalism, clearly did understand and he was more than surprised when a second arm wrapped around him and drew him closer and stayed around him as though to secure him and shelter him, to give him a safe place to regain his emotional balance. As he hugged his friend as he came to terms with the emotions he had kept penned-up for so long McCoy realized that Spock was doing for him, what he had often seen him briefly do for Jim, be that shelter to get through this moment.

This primal, almost desperate, need of his Human friend for the contact with another at such a time He found he understood. Often he had seen in Jim after what Humans would consider stressful times could not be denied. It was both the only logical thing he could do and the only physical action he could take to comfort his friend. Even as he had approached McCoy he had put up his shields but had not been fully prepared for the cauldron of emotions his friend had carried for so long. They attacked his shields first individually and then as waves with all of them combined. At first it had been an assault with great negativity of anger, denial, rage, depression, fear, loneliness, uncertainty, worry, frustration, dread, resentment, anxiety, irritation, regret, and guilt. This was quickly replaced with almost euphoric adoration, disbelief, surprise, relief, happiness, gratitude, and love.

As the emanations from the emotions eased Spock removed his arms, took a step back and looked at his friend, "If I may, Doctor, I would like to ask a question."

"Thanks. Go ahead, Spock, ask. You still need more time to remember everything but you will, and Czacheck agrees, get all of your memory and mind rules back to as it was before. Any time you want to ask me a question just ask. I'm sure none of the others would mind you asking them either."

"Oddly I do agree with you that the others would assist me. I would like to know ask why you were experiencing regret and guilt. This was none of your doing. You have nothing for you to regret or feel any guilt for and it is illogical to,"

McCoy had smiled as he looked up, "Yup, now that is proof that you're back to being yourself. At a base level I know it was none of my doing but when I heard you were dead and then seeing Jim like that I thought of all that I had said to both of you and all I never said to either of you. So many, many things unsaid that I,"

"Do you think that Jim and I do not understand, McCoy? Do you not think that we have **the same difficulty** with expressing what our individual friendship with you means to us, what we feel about our collective friendship with you means to us? I believe that **we all fully understand** that sometimes things are said that need not be said as they are either said purely as an emotional outlet or are said to provoke a reaction of some sort for some reason from the other or others. Do you not agree?"

In the dark eyes that looked at him McCoy saw the truth, the total acceptance, and nodded, "I guess at times I forget that you have all that Vulcan side that lets you see and, now don't get riled up as you know damned well what I mean, feel things far more clearly than a lot of us. Yeah, there are times when I guess we do talk for emotional relief and to provoke each other but I like to think that most of the time it is really just friendly conversations, and, at times, confidences shared, with friends."

"Agreed."

"You have no idea how grateful I am that Czacheck was there and knew what to do. He studied with M'Benga and was the top of the three courses he took on non-Human medicine as well as his one year course in herbal and natural medicines."

"He did inform me he had studied with Doctor M'Benga but did not elaborate on it." from the look he gave McCoy it was clear to McCoy that somewhere in that great Vulcan's mind the word "fascinating" was aching to be said.

"Ah, you two aren't at one another's throat." Kirk entered carrying some extra bedding, saw his two friends were standing, and had obviously just been talking over recent events. "Tomorrow I will go to the hearing with Captain Pellon, Doctor Czacheck, Officer Twindell, and you, Bones. Spock, you will come in about an hour later. Doctor Czacheck and Officer Twindell seem to agree with me that it is very likely that Captain Pellon and his officer were behind what happened in some way as we agree that the reaction of those on Jubliline Five indicate that, despite what he said, Pellon had been there before and something had happened."

"While we have not discussed the matter in any detail, Captain, I believe that both McCoy and I agree with that assumption. There are many factors that, at the moment, have not coalesced in my thinking and yet I do believe that there is an unknown cause for how the Jubiline Five officials and security officers had such a hostile reaction upon seeing Captain Pellon. I," Spock hesitated as he did not want to admit he was having difficulty remembering where he had heard the names Czacheck and Twindell together, "I have found the good doctor correct in that my memory is taking time to return."

Kirk glanced at McCoy then back at Spock, "That's fine, Spock. The main thing is that **you will fully recover**. Uhura contacted me while I was with Czacheck and said she is going to set up a small transmitter that we can take in so you will hear what is going on before you come in. She will also have a small receiver that will fit into the collar of your dress uniform. She will come by my quarters tomorrow morning and test it then we go and you enter the room when he says benediction."

Both McCoy and Kirk saw the raised eyebrow and Kirk nodded, "When he reached out to place that transporter on you I thought it was some sort of a benediction and I sort of over-reacted when he later said it was not a benediction."

"Ah," Spock nodded back, "so it will be an easy, if somewhat unusual, word for him to slip into his comments. A word that will make some of them, most likely Captain Pellon in particular, not paying attention to what else is going on around them when I enter."

"That was clearly his line of thinking too, Spock. A distraction that lets you get in there and that will have Pellon totally off-guard so that all there will see his immediate reaction to seeing you alive. I had been wondering about how to introduce you to the hearing and he just said that that was what we were going to do. Pellon will be totally unprepared."

"A very good plan however,"

"What?" the question was said in unison.

"You mentioned my dress uniform and,"

Spock stopped when Kirk lifted the top sheet off the stack of bedding to reveal his command jacket, "I advised Chekov I needed access to you quarters and then notified him when I left." Kirk smiled, "When I came out he was there and let me know that nobody would know and said if you want or need to go to your quarters he will arrange it as a security check."

Although the others possibly could not see it Spock smiled mainly to himself, this crew, this bridge crew in particular, were his friends and supported him.

McCoy nodded and looked at his two friends before heading for the door, "I think we can leave the ship to those three who should be sleeping. We've all got a busy day tomorrow and I do not know about you two but the reunion and events of today have left me feeling tired. I'll let you two work our your sleeping arrangements and see you in a few hours. I hope you both get plenty of sleep."

It did not take Kirk and Spock to work out their sleeping arrangements and while Kirk went to sleep Spock kept trying to recall not only what the association was between _Czacheck and Twindell_ but also where he had heard _same team if not the same ship_. A part of his mind was sure all three were related but he was not sure just how or where and when he would have encountered them.

Doctor Czacheck and officer Twindell arrived at Kirk's quarters with two extra meals, "Doctor McCoy should be along shortly. Thought that before we go into the lion's den we should he prepared not to have a meal for some time."

McCoy joined them and while they ate Kirk kept thinking over what he had heard, how he heard Czacheck say, " _what they think is to come_.". That bothered yet also intrigued him, the fact that Czacheck was clearly planning something and was not telling him about it. Spock being alive and being there in person might be it but there was that annoying feeling that there was more to those six word than that. Much more than that.

Uhura arrived and handed Spock a very small device that fitted nearly onto the collar of the dress uniform. She saw the doubt on all five faces as it was so very small and she used Kirk's comm unit to contact Sulu, "Try the test sentence." and looked at Spock and saw him nod as he clearly heard "I'm little but I work well and am clear." She nodded as she looked at Spock, "While I will not be listening in I do have a monitor that will let me know that they are functioning and we know how to quickly fix them remotely."

"We?" McCoy looked at her then at Spock.

"Both Chekov and Sulu helped me with the testing and fine tuning."

"When we return I will want to speak with them, and yourself, Uhura."

She nodded at him knowing that the Vulcan would have many technical questions as well as questions regarding their use of time and equipment. She also knew that there was a great likelihood that Captain Kirk would also be present. "Understood, Sir. All my best."

Just after she left Czacheck looked at Kirk, "You do have a most remarkable crew, Captain Kirk. It is very clear that they truly care not only about you but also their fellow officers."

"Are we to assume it is not the case on the Dakota?" Spock looked at the man, still trying to remember what it was about him that he could not recall.

"In the two years I have been relieving on the Dakota I have found it to be a ship where senior officers are only concerned about their careers and knowing that their time on the ship was to be short as it was known it was to be decommissioned and the junior crew are really awaiting redeployment on any ship Pellon is not the captain of."

 **A relieving doctor**. Spock remembered how there were four in all of Star Fleet, very senior doctors not assigned to any one particular ship after serving for ten years on a ship in the fleet as senior medical officer. No doubt the doctors did not stay long with Pellon. Only for six point nine seconds did he wonder if he associated Czacheck with something about being a relieving doctor as he knew he had heard something about Czacheck but it was always _Czacheck and Twindell_ and not just Czacheck. He had only heard the two names together, not individually. He was starting to understand what McCoy meant about having an itch one could not scratch.

"We should get to the hearing and do what has to be done." Czacheck looked at Spock, "I am sure it is going to be most interesting to see their reactions when you walk in. The panel will have thoroughly gone though the reports given of what happened on Jublilne Five and have questions about that but they will only have Pellon's report on what happened afterwards. They do not know what Kirk's version of the events will be nor do they know of my having you beamed into my special Sickbay. We will see you there."

Both Kirk and McCoy just nodded to him as they followed Czacheck and Spock found himself wondering just what sort of reaction Czacheck was expecting to term it "interesting". That odd sensation of knowing there was something he knew about Czacheck and Twindell came back to him. He had a faint feeling it had something to do with the crew of the Enterprise and with Jim but he knew that Jim had not met the man before they started to escort the Dakota. He put it aside as he had to be ready to hear the word "benediction".

* * *

A/N I think there's about another three chapters before this one is wrapped up and want to get it done as April is going to be a very busy month of outside alterations (if it ever stops raining) to the yard and visitors. . . . Folk from the U.S.A. are coming who are friends of friends of family friends and need a base here for a few nights. Thanks for reading and enjoy.


	11. Chapter 11

It was evident from how Pellon was standing that he was really studying Kirk when the four from the Enterprise arrived. Kirk knew, although there had been no mention of it, how he should appear as Czacheck walked on his right and McCoy on his left with Twindell behind him and he acted as though he was just following their lead, that he was still deeply traumatized. There was no mistaking the satisfaction about how Pellon had looked at him, of the nod his gave his officer. All those lessons Spock had given him about controlling his immediate very Human instinct to attack for revenge proved to be very beneficial at that moment.

"If I may speak to the panel it appears that even the efforts of one of Star Fleet's leading specialists have not been able to help Kirk deal with the depths of guilt that killing Mister Spock. It is clear that he is totally unfit to not only to command the Enterprise but to even look after himself. As I have said previously, now that a captain is needed and I have had experience as the captain of a starship I am available for consideration. There is **no need to waste the time of having the Enterprise out of action** when you have a very qualified captain ready to take command. "

"Doctor Czacheck, what are your findings?"

When Czacheck started McCoy quickly glanced at Kirk without moving his head, "I agree with Captain Pellon," and seeing the momentary very slight flexing of his shoulders, "in that **it appears that way**." showed that Kirk, like himself, got a feeling that Czacheck was on almost a personal vendetta against Pellon.

The spokesman for the five on the panel looked at Czacheck, "Care to define by that, by it appearing that way?"

"What I mean by that is we have not seen any **real physical evidence** related to what happened, we have only been told what it appears or is believed to have happened. We have not seen any official reports on the verification that it was Kirk's phaser that was fired, we have not seen any official reports from the Jubliline Five officials with regard to the incident, and," the moment of silence seem to say so much when Czacheck continued, "we have not heard from Captain Pellon as to **the reason** for transporting Kirk alone from the Dakota to the Enterprise and had not directly transported him directly to the Enterprise when **it was obvious he was in no state be alone** and either Officer Twindell or myself could have accompanied him."

The five senior officers on the panel looked at one another then the spokesman for the panel looked directly at Pellon, "Well, Captain Pellon, is it true you transported Captain Kirk to the Dakota with you and then alone to the Enterprise?"

"My first thoughts were to get away from the situation as it was clear that something had angered the Jubliline Five officials so I naturally beamed up to my ship and then I knew I had to get Captain Kirk to his."

"That partly answers the question but does not answer what your reasoning was for beaming him alone to the Enterprise. Doctor Czacheck and Officer Twindell,"

"They would have to be beamed back and **delay my report to Command**. I pride myself on delivering prompt reports, in keeping Command fully advised as to the situation."

"We are all very familiar with the promptness of your reports but is not the health and safety of a fellow officer, a fellow starship captain, of more importance? We did note on your report **no mention of Captain Kirk's status**. You only mentioned you had transported him to the Enterprise and did not state that he was still deeply shocked and that **you sent him alone**. You also made no mention of Doctor Czacheck advising you that it was unwise to send him unassisted and that you told him that Kirk would be looked after on his own ship."

"If I am not wrong the standing orders are to return a captain as promptly as possible to his own ship."

"You are missing the word **safely** in the order. You did return Captain Kirk to his ship promptly but not in a safe manner. He clearly was not in a fit state to be on his own."

"I knew there would be medical,"

"Had you arranged for a medical team to be there awaiting his arrival?"

For the first time Pellon looked away and at his officer then back at the panel, "No, but **I knew** ,"

"Did you **confirm** his safe arrival on the Enterprise?"

"I, I had to send my report. Command had to know what had happened. Command had to know the situation on Jubliline Five as soon as possible."

"Command also had to know about the condition of all officer of all ships involved as soon as possible to ensure there was a stand-by crew at the ready if necessary. It is the **responsibility and duty** of the senior officer, the officer in command, to notify Command of such things after guaranteeing the safety and status of vessels and crew involved. You were that senior officer, that officer in command, and you gave no notification as to the status of the ships and the crews. You made no mention of Kirk nor of the status of the two ships. You also never mentioned the phaser he used apart from saying it was Kirk's, we were not given the phaser to run advanced testing on."

McCoy gave the appearance of periodically checking on how Kirk was but he was looking past him and at Pellon who was increasingly shifting on his feet, looking at the floor more often, and he was increasing the pace he was flexing his fingers behind his back. It was difficult not to smile and not to wish he had a scanner. It was clear the man was extremely worried.

"You must know we have been in communication with some of your crew to verify your report. We are to hear from two who asked specifically to be here. They are being beamed down as we speak."

"I, I, I was not informed. As the captain **they should have asked me**. I am their commanding officer. **I will need to talk with them first** to find out why they did not inform me of,"

"Captain Pellon, they did not inform you as they were instructed by us not to. They understand the chain of command and know that an order from us takes precedence over that of even their captain. Is there some specific reason why you would want to talk with them first?"

When Pellon was quiet for some time Czacheck looked from him to Kirk to McCoy then back at Pellon before looking at the panel, "If I may know the names of the two officers I can attest to their reliability to answer questions based on how they have reacted to medical examination."

Kirk looked slowly at McCoy without turning his head and saw the same question about the blue eyes. Clearly they both remembered when Czacheck had said what they think is to come.

"One is Engineer Sarah Reynolds and the other is Science Officer Lloyd Daven."

Only because he was really looking at the man did McCoy see the initial bewilderment and uncertainty then a dawning understand and the slow nod, "They are both fine officers of sound mind and very forthright. I have known and worked with both for them for **five years**."

"Do you believe they will have information of importance to this hearing?"

"I can not say for certain but I do know that they would not ask to be here unless what they have to say is of real importance to this hearing."

The five on the panel almost nodded in unison then looked at Czacheck, "Before he had Captain Kirk transported to the Enterprise did Captain Pellon ask you to or offer you the opportunity to accompany him?"

" **No**. Captain Pellon told Officer Twindell and myself that he would see that Captain Kirk got safely to the Enterprise and we should go work on our reports to Command. I was assured by Captain Pellon that he would ensure that Captain Kirk made it safely to the Enterprise and I assumed he was going to either escort him himself or have his security officer stay with him. I would not have sent him alone as he was in neither an emotional nor a mental state to be transported on his own."

"Doctor McCoy, do you agree with Doctor Czacheck's belief that Captain Kirk was not in a mental state to be transported on his own?"

McCoy looked at Kirk then at Czacheck before momentarily noticing how Pellon was showing subtle signs of internal stress. He felt a surge of sadistic pleasure flush through him as he saw how uneasy the man was but had it buried under his armor of professionalism when he turned to the panel, "I was present when CaptainKirk was beamed aboard that I agree with Doctor Czacheck that Captain Kirk was in no physical or mental state to be transported on his own. When he arrived on the Enterprise he was in a deep depression, totally unaware of where he was, and kept repeating the word 'no'. It is my opinion that to have transported him in the mental state and physical condition he was in actually put his life at risk."

"While that is their opinion what physical proof is there? What evidence do they have to support that he was not in a mental state to be transported? I did what I, as the commanding officer, thought was the best thing to do. It was and stands as my command decision. What they are putting forth has **no physical support**. Captain Kirk was in that state because he had just killed not just his First Officer but also a close friend. If he had followed the unwritten rule for captains in any service he would have adhered to the accepted code that senior officers should be friendly towards their crew but **not get personally involved** with their lives, **not to form friendships** with them, then he would not be in the state he is in. Had he not allowed himself to become more than the senior officer to his former First Officer he would be emotionally traumatized."

While the others might not have noticed it Kirk saw the slight change in how Pellon stood, heard the slight change in his voice as confidence seemed to slowly return to him.

"What we, as captains, are trained to do is **not get involved on a personal level** to any depth with our crew as we are the one person who is likely to send them to their death. Captain Kirk is, unfortunately, one who did not hold with that but who is on friendly terms with many of the crew of the Enterprise, but most particularly the bridge crew. I say unfortunately as when he took the necessary action stopping his First Officer from disobeying a direct order he also killed his First Officer who was a very close friend of his. Had he not had the emotional involvement he would not be so deeply effected that **he is no longer fit** not only to captain a starship but also no longer fit to be in Star Fleet. "

"Ahh, I have been informed that the two officers have arrived." the chairman looked up from the desk and after looking at each of them seemed to settle on looking at Pellon, "There is just one more question, Captain Pellon, before we have them enter. **Why did you leave First Officer's body** on Jubliline Five and not have it transported aboard as well? There is **no report by you** of what happened to his body. You do recall it is expected that the body of a fallen senior officer be transported back to their respective ships, do you not?"

"I am aware of that but without knowing what the Jubliline Five intended to do I thought it best just to get the survivors to safety. Doctor Czacheck said he was dead and I saw the Jubliline Five security officers start to move towards us so my first thought was the **safety of the living**."

Spock stood in the Transporter Room on he Enterprise waiting for the word. Shortly after the two captains, McCoy, and Officer Twindell had beamed down Chekov had arrived at Kirk's quarters, "I have been asked by Mister Scott to take you to the Transporter Room and to ensure that nobody gets in till you return, Sir."

"Chekov and I thought t'was best for ye to wait here. I've got me bairns all set for ye, Mister Spock. Just give me the word when ye ready."

All he could do was nod. For him to have beamed from Kirk's quarters to the room the hearing was taking place in would have required notifying the officials and getting permission and shields lowered to what could be classified as sensitive areas. Clearly Mister Scott and Chekov had permission to beam from the Transporter Room to the transporter alcove by the hearing room but that was usually arranged through official channels when a hearing was being held.

He noticed a small bag Mister Scott was holding out to him, "Can ye give this to the lass operating the transporter at their end? Tis just a dried and framed sprig of Highland Heather I agreed to send in this test transfer, Sir? Ye'll be beamed into a wee alcove in the room the hearing is being held in."

 **Test transfer.** A test transfer required no official notification so. . . He stopped. There, on the face before him, was the truth. The Chief Engineer had engineered this with a bribe and a loophole. Spock nodded as he took the bag, "I will personally hand it to her, Mister Scott." for the instant that their fingers touched as he took the bag Spock wondered if his friend realized that he truly deserved the title of the ship's miracle worker and if the man knew how much he appreciated what he had done for him. He saw Scott nod once and knew that somehow the man did understand and he nodded back before he mounted the platform and stood waiting for the word.

* * *

 **A/N** \- Thanks for reading. If it stays fine I may get out into the jungle that has taken over my garden and try to plant some vegetable for winter - only hope winter is as much a non-event as our summer was. Take care and enjoy.


	12. Chapter 12

"Now I think we need to get this right. Doctor Czacheck, you have been on many beam-downs to known and unknown planets and have encountered both hostile and friendly receptions. Do you believe there was any **real and justifiable reason** to suspect hostilities with the Jubiline Five security ?"

"As I saw no weapons of any sort being held by any of the officers who started to approach us, nor within easy accessibility of them, I saw no reason to suspect their actions were either hostile or in any way life threatening. It appeared to me that they had encountered Captain Pellon before and that the meeting might not have been the most amicable."

" **You are not the captain of a starship.** **You do not know,** " Pellon stopped as he turned from glaring at Czacheck to look at the panel, "I meant no offence as I know Doctor Czacheck is one of Star Fleet's leading doctors yet he has no training nor any experience as a captain. He does not know what to look for, **he has no real experience** in,"

"Captain Pellon, what do you know of Doctor Czacheck's experience prior to him being assigned to your ship as a relieving doctor?"

"I know he is one of Star Fleet's leading doctors but **he** **is** ** NOT ****as** **experienced** **as** **I** **am** in such situations. He is not experienced in,"

A man Kirk recognized as one of the most senior officers on the panel, a man he knew had been out, like himself, there exploring further away from the known, stood and Kirk did not know if it was fury or total disbelief in the look the man was giving Pellon, "Doctor Czacheck, Captain Pellon, **has far,  FAR MORE real first-hand experience than you will EVER have**. You clearly know **nothing** of his record although he was part of **your crew**. It is the duty and responsibility of the captain of any ship to know the record and the abilities of their crew. It is **especially important** if not vital **for a captain of a starship** to know the record and abilities of their crew as they may, at any time, need to have a crewman from one area work in another area that one would not usually expect that crewman to know anything about how to fully function in a very different area than the one they are most skilled in. Your obvious failure to know even the basics of a crew member's history and abilities makes me, and possibly others on this panel, question the wisdom of you being the captain of a starship let alone **any ship** in the fleet." Kirk had heard something in the way the man had said "starship" that he knew only a being who had captained a starship out there and had encountered those moments of internalized hell when having to make decisions that would have an impact on far more than just himself and his crew but millions, possibly billions of other lives of lifeforms known and unknown. He kept looking at the man and knew that while he did not know the man he knew of him.

In the momentary silence another member of the panel spoke as his colleague slowly sat down, "Doctor Czacheck's experiences are well known by the panel and as they not what this hearing is about **they not up for discussion**. Your actions and answers are a clear and most alarming indication of your astounding lack of understanding of the expected essential knowledge of a captain of a starship. Had you any knowledge of his experiences you would know that it is because of **his many experiences** he was able to tell us that he detected no threat to the landing party. What is up for discussion is your answer, or rather your lack of an answer, to the question why you left First Officer Spock's body on Jubliline Five. Could you please answer that now?"

"As I stated, Sirs, I took **the only practical and logical action** I, as the captain and commanding officer, could take considering I had no idea what the Jubliline Five intended to do, I ensured the safety of the living."

"There is just one more question for now, Captain Pellon, before we have our two guests enter. You still have to fully explain **WHY you left First Officer Spock's body** on Jubliline Five and not have it transported aboard as well? There is no report by you of what happened to his body. You do recall it is expected that the body, or any remains, of a fallen senior officer be transported back to their respective ships, do you not?"

"I am aware of that. At that time, without knowing what the Jubliline Five intended to do, my main concern, as I have said, was to get the survivors to safety. Doctor Czacheck pronounced First Officer Spock dead and I saw the Jubliline Five security officers start to move towards us so my first thought was **the safety of the living**. I was not willling to risk the safety of the living and the ship for the sake of a dead body."

The five on the panel seemed to look at each other and Kirk tried to maintain his expression as he internally smiled at how Pellon was starting to appear uncertain as to what was going to be asked next. It was clear the man had not thought of all the questions that he could be asked.

"You stated that your main concern was the welfare of the survivors and the safety of the living."

"That is expected of a commanding officer and the captain of a starship."

"And yet that your concern about Captain Kirk seemed to end once he was on your ship as you sent him **unaided** , in an obvious state of deep shock and disorientation, to his ship."

"I was certain there would be no trouble in transporting him and that he would receive immediate and excellent attention from his own crew."

"Did you ensure he had his phaser with him when you transported him?"

"Of course. We knew that his security team would be best equipt to deal with it and want to full examine it."

"As most senior officers in Star Fleet know just how loyal and dedicated Captain Kirk's crew is did you not think that, in order to protect their captain from what any investigation might find that by doing that, they could easily erase all trace of him actually handling the phaser?"

"I am fully aware of that and I believe his crew to also be of such high morals that they **would not do that**. There is also the fact that Kirk would neither expect or allow that."

"Then you believe that we must accept, with the only evidence presented, that Captain Kirk did, in fact, fire his phaser and kill Science Officer Spock?"

"You have the evidence and our testimony that **that is what did happen**."

"Well, before we officially enter that on the record we should hear the reason that Engineer Sarah Reynolds and Science Officer Lloyd Daven obviously feel that they have something important to say as they state it is to do with Doctor Czacheck's requests and must be discussed at this hearing. Show them in."

Standing on the platform waiting was, if Spock were to acknowledge his Human half, annoying him to an almost anxious state. The transmitter was, for its size, working remarkably well and he silently hoped that Lieutenant Uhura was recording what was being said. He knew she had said she would not be listening but, having worked with her and known her for as long as he had, he oddly believed that she would be recording it on some non-official device. So many times he had seen that trio seem to be adhering to the regulations while also doing something that would prove to be of great assistance to either Jim, McCoy or even himself as well as also, as the Humans would say, go out on a limb for others. Mister Scott standing by the controls, looking at him, ready to transport him as soon as he gave the sign was, clear physical proof of the very unique bond the seven had.

If they were all wrong about what they thought so many careers would be ruined. Surely the others knew, as well as he did, that when they had quickly tested Jim's phaser before sending it, as per Star Fleet orders, to the Dakota for more intensive inspection, it showed that it had been fired on kill, it was still set on kill, and the only DNA and fingerprints on it were Jim's. Without real physical evidence to counter that there was the likelihood the panel, even when they saw he was alive and that Jim was himself, would remove Jim from the Enterprise and have him committed to the special facility where he would be fully examined, tested, and restricted to what ships he could command. As they had no proof as to why Jim had reacted as he had and the duration of his trauma induced stupor lasted: he would not return to the Enterprise. Although he had not been at the inspection of Jim's phaser Chekov had been able to attend and had, thanks to Uhura and Sulu, able to send him both visual and audio of what was going on with Sulu feigning great interest and being able to get closer to the phaser and slowly "examine" it so that he got a good view of the weapon. The presented facts were irrefutable. Irrefutable yet impossible as there was no way Jim Kirk would ever have his phaser left set on kill.

As he stood waiting Spock realized that with those two other officers beaming in there could be complications as they would be Pellon's crew. It was also clear that Czacheck was trying to figure out when the get him down and there was a possibility with him knowing the two officers that he would know exactly when to give the word.

Kirk struggled not to show any expressions as he saw the two young-looking officers walk towards the panel and announce themselves and asked to deliver their findings to Doctor Czacheck. When they had been given permission Engineer Sarah Reynolds had started, "As per Doctor Czacheck's orders I ran **full scans of the transporter** for any indication of either tampering with the system itself or the introduction of foreign substances. In all I ran a total of twenty-one scans to test of a variety of substances that could easily be introduced into the actual transporting matrix as well as reversed should an officer have the time and means to do so almost immediately before or during use."

"And your findings were?"

"If I may, before we hear the findings,"Doctor Czacheck started, "I would like to point out to Captain Pellon that while he and others might have thought that when I reached out to Mister Spock's body it was not in the form of any religious significance as I do not believe in what is termed a benediction."

"Now, Mister," Spock said "Scott" as he materialized in the alcove Scott had described and there was a female officer who nodded as he heard the slight click to indicate a complete and successful beaming. Not sure what to say as he knew she had placed her career in jeopardy being a part of this as it would be easy of the powers that be to find out this was not a test transfer as it was logged. He held out the bag and she smiled as she took it, "Thank him for me." and pointed to a door. He knew he would thank Mister Scott for more than them as he had to thank him for his almost instantaneous reaction to the word 'now' when he returned to the ship. His arrival and that of the two officers was clearly causing the confusion he had calculated it would.

For a moment it seemed to Kirk that there was total chaos all around as the panel looked from one another to the two young officers Czacheck had asked for, to Spock who had walked to stand between Czachek and himself, to Pellon, and then back to one another. While Pellon was glaring at his security officer he was acutely aware of the look of reassurance his Vulcan friend was giving him and the supportive grip on his arm his so very Human friend was giving him.

"I must apologize for my abrupt arrival, gentlemen," Spock looked at the five panel members, finding it strange that he could remember the name, rank, and main events in each panelist's past yet still not know what was so significant about Czacheck and Twindell. "It seemed only logical to be here to find out what Officers Reyolds and Davan discovered with their investigations and inspections. As you are now aware I am not dead, Captain Kirk did not kill me, and that clearly the circumstances under which the attempt on my life was staged were all orchestrated by Captain Pellon. I also found it my duty to point out to Captain Pellon that his actions were neither practical nor in the least way logical."

" **That's a lie!** Why would I want you dead?"

In a very clear, if somewhat initially loud, voice Engineer Reynolds continued as though totally oblivious of all that had just happened and been said, "What was discovered was that in two transfers of Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise there were traces of a strong banned hallucinogenic with the first transfer being of a more potent rating than the second transfer. The second transfer of Captain Kirk also indicated a strictly controlled drug that nullifies the hallucinations of one exposed to the original contact and inhalation of that banned hallucinogenic. It is most unusual that Captain Kirk was the only person being transported at both times and to different locations and that there was a seventeen point one eight minute delay from them beaming aboard the Dakota with Captain Kirk and him being beamed to the Enterprise. There was also a noticeable twenty-three seconds hesitation, or delay if you like, during the transfers. "

"Is there **any** significance to the twenty-three seconds?"

* * *

A/N Thanks for reading. Almost there. Enjoy. Take care and HAVE FUN!


	13. Chapter 13

Kirk felt McCoy grip his arm and heard him softly say, "Exposure."

In a lower voice she continued, "Although I am an engineer and nor a scientist and do not have extensive medical training I am aware of the period of time over which the substance was inserted into the beam, I am aware of the height that the substance was inserted into the beam, and I am aware of the force at which this was done. I am also aware of the same for the drug that nullifies the hallucinogenic properties having later injected into the beam. The facts indicate that somebody aboard the Dakota **deliberately** **attacked** Captain Kirk in this manner as only personnel on the Dakota have access to the transporter room. As the only person specifically affected by this was Captain Kirk it is obvious that some unknown felt that they had to be able to cause him great confusion for a period of time by using the drug and then removing it form his system by using the other drug and knowing that the on-board sanitation system of the ships would remove any trace of both. "

Pellon still sounded confident as he looked at her, "But you are, as you stated, an engineer and not trained in science nor medicine. So **you are just hypothesizing**."

"There **you are incorrect**, Captain Pellon." The male officer stepped to stand beside the engineer, "I am a Science Officer with only six years deep space experience on starships, Sir, and I assisted Officer Reynolds in doing the investigation that Doctor Czacheck asked for. I can attest to the facts that Officer Reynold gave as I checked her findings, did thirty-seven tests on the samples, forwarded her and my findings to Command and I stand by those findings. I also sent to Command the phaser that Officer Twindell gave me, a phaser that had the DNA of Captain Kirk on it and on the trigger, but there was more of Captain Pellon's DNA on it and, most importantly, **on the setting control**. There was none of Kirk's DNA and the phaser anywhere but where one would instinctively grab and fire a weapons. Being a seasoned officer there was no way Jim Kirk would ever have his phaser left set on kill."

Kirk saw how Spock looked from Officer Daven to Officer Twindell and saw an eyebrow arch. Just as his Vulcan friend clearly thought something was strange Kirk was sure he had missed something. He had been so sure he had remembered it all during those sessions with Czacheck. He had to think. He clearly remembered how Twindell had pinned him so that he still held the phaser he had fired. The phaser that Pellon had presented was clearly **not ** the one he had used. No, he had to think. His phaser had been. He stopped and closed his eyes. He could not remember reaching for his phaser only feeling a phaser in his hand. He remembered seeing the charge hit Spock. Twindell had grabbed him, pinned him and handed Pellon's security officer a phaser. Twindell had then moved to get a better hold on him. He had moved and yet between them was still that phaser. Twindell had handed over his own phaser. All that moving by Twindell had not been to hold him tighter but to get out his own phaser and to place the phaser he had used to shoot Spock into his holster without touching it. During that delay between being beamed aboard the Dakota and being beamed down to the Enterprise when he had been so totally unaware of what was happening Pellon had time to take his phaser, fire it, and that would have been the evidence. When he opened his eyes Twindell gave a slight nod.

Kirk also saw the look that Pellon was giving Twindell. Clear murderous loathing. The look of one who knew what they had done was against so many laws and that they were cornered, out-maneuvered, and yet not willing to yield.

"You, you did not give me the right phaser! I am your commanding officer, your captain. Your sworn duty is to obey me. What you did was an act of the lowest form of insubordination and betrayal. I am your commanding officer and you swore to obey my orders."

"You make a most delusional mistake if you believe I swore an oath to obey you." Twindell turned slightly to fully face Pellon, "I took an oath but it was not one to blindly, mindlessly, follow anybody of perceived senior rank. My sworn oath was to uphold the aims and principles of the United Federation of Planets by obeying the orders of those senior officers whom I believe to have the best interests of the Federation, of Star Fleet, and of the ship first and foremost in their words and actions." There was a total silence and stillness about the large room the hearing was in as what Twindell had just said registered with all there. It was clear Pellon had not expected such a reaction.

There was no change in Twindell's calm tone nor his relaxed yet confident stance as he continued, "I do not recall you either ordering me to give you the phaser nor your asking whose phaser it was. You **assumed** it was the one Captain Kirk had been forced to use. At the time my main concern was holding onto Captain Kirk and getting him back to his ship. In a way you ordering Doctor Czacheck and myself from the transporter room as soon as we saw Kirk was ready to be transported back to the Enterprise helped me to get the phaser to Officer Daven as quickly as possible. We suspected that you would be too busy thinking of your next goal you would not be paying much attention to what was going on around the ship and we were right. It was so very easy to get our findings and the phaser to Command and for two of the leading scientists from Command to board the Dakota to inspect the transporter and see how and where our testings were done so they could verify their accuracy."

" **YOU** , **you** should have known I wanted that phaser. It was not your phaser. And you had no right to beam aboard other officials without my knowledge."

"I believe, Sir, if you check the regulations that it is clearly stated that senior ranking officers and experts from Command have the right to beam aboard any ship where an onboard investigation is taking place to see for themselves that the crew are following the strict instructions of their investigations."

"As your captain I had a right to have that phaser before it was handed over. It was not your phaser."

"Sir, I freely admit it was not my phaser and I knew it was not Captain Kirk's as he had made no move to draw his while your security officer had. I would have thought such an experienced officer as yourself would have, to ensure the last detail in your plan was correct, first have **asked** me if it was the phaser you wanted and then would have checked the serial number of the phaser and ensured that you had the right phaser."

While Pellon looked stunned Twindell looked at Officer Davin and then at Officer Reynolds, "Both you officers would have checked the serial number to verify whose weapon your were examining was, is that correct?"

A surprised yet bemused look of disbelief passed between the two officers before Officer Reynolds said, "Yes, that is standard procedure, Sir. Before we even start to examine the phaser we verify who was issued with it. We did make note that the weapon handed to us as being issued to Captain Pellon was, in fact, issued to Officer Twindell and that the weapon Officer Twindell had in his possession had been taken by Officer Twindell to the Enterprise, examined there, and later returned to us by Officer Twindell. We also have the duly signed forms attesting to the fact that two senior scientists from Command did board the Dakota and inspect the phaser here as well as on the Enterprise. We keep a log of al who enter our Armory as well as our Science Departments. All actions taken are within the protocol for when near or visiting independent and allied planets as well as the regulations for inter-ship personnel movements."

Spock looked at Twindell and realized he had perhaps misjudged the man. Clearly he was not only a very good security officer and, for what he had seen, a close friend of Doctor Czacheck, but also somewhat on the what Humans would call cunning side and most adapt at thinking concisely and with great alacrity. To be able to exchange weapons in such a manner in front of another and then to act as though there had been no deception showed what McCoy would call cunning. He knew he would talk with the man later about that. He was aware that a part of his mind was still trying to recall why Czacheck and Twindell together had significance.

He then looked at Officer Reynolds and saw how she looked from the panel to Pellon and there was no mistaking the almost challenging look about her eyes as she looked at him. As he looked at her he was aware that she had a look akin to a chess master about to say "Checkmate."

"I had absolutely no reason to check the serial number of the phaser as I knew it was the one I had to have. As the captain I must have faith in my crew to know what is expected of and from them and obviously I was mistaken in your ability to think of what might be required, to ask if you are uncertain about what is expected, and to follow orders. When I get back to the ship you can be sure you will be among the many I will have removed from my ship."

"There are a great number of things, Sir, that most of us who serve as officers on any ship, especially a starship, see no reason for doing but when we came into Star Fleet, as officers, we knew we either had to accept the rules and the regulations, irrespective of what we personally thought of them, or we had leave. The more senior the rank the more rules and regulations there are that control us, the more that is expected of and from us." There was a brief silence and clearly Pellon was uncomfortable at how Reynolds would not look away from him nor point out rules and regulations. "From your record you clearly do not like waiting for advancement and on three occasions have been given promotions under what can best be called dubious circumstances. When you were promoted to captain and given the Dakota for the remaining twenty-nine months of its service life do you recall what you said at the function put on for you to meet the crew?"

"You, you **expect me to remember** something I said that long ago?" Pellon turned and looked at the panel, "Why are you allowing an underling with no comprehension of what it is like out there to keep on questioning me? I am a starship captain. I deserve more respect. As Captain Kirk is clearly unfit I deserve the Enterprise as it cannot just wait in case there is some miracle and he comes out of the near catatonic state he is in and proves he can function as he once did. I,"

" _Will get the Enterprise as soon as we return to Command and this ship is decommissioned. I just have to wait for just the right time and so mentally and emotionally upset James Kirk that he is unfit to command and they will give me the Enterprise_." The truth of what Officer Daven had said as he walked to stand next to Officer Reynolds was clear as those present looked at Pellon, " **I believe** those were your words, Sir. Words you should not have said in front of at least twenty of the two hundred and sixty crew of the Dakota who were there. If you recall you asked that your speech be broadcast so that those who could not be there could hear what we thought were the plans, not your plans, for when the ship was decommissioned. We did not take the recording of what you said to Command as we did not really think you were that arrogant and stupid until you did what you did on Jubliline Five."

"You just wait, I will have the Enterprise. Kirk cannot function. Just look at him. He's been like that since he saw that Vulcan fall. They have to give me the Enterprise. it is too valuable a ship not to have in service."

Kirk saw a nod from Spock, McCoy, Twindell, and Czacheck then he slowly walked to where Pellon stood. He heard but ignored the gasps from the panel and Pellon as he stopped in front of him, barely containing his anger. No, not his anger, his fury. "If those five fine and wise officials were not there on that bench presiding over this hearing, those two brilliant officers from the Dakota who worked so hard to find the truth were absent, and especially those four who stood behind and in particular two of them who have stood behind and beside me for so long, were not here I would rip you slowly apart for what you did to my First Officer, especially as you made me believe I had killed him and could not remember why."

"But the Enterprise is mine now, Kirk. I had it all planned, I worked for it, I brought it in from,"

"You might have been escorted in on the Dakota by the Enterprise but I do not believe Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott would ever relinquished command of the Enterprise to you."

"No he did not and he must be reported for that. He was totally insubordinate. He refused to follow the chain of command and relinquish command to me. I am a senior officer, I am the captain of the Enterprise. I am the capain,"

Just of an instant Kirk could picture his Chief Engineer in full command mode telling Pellon just what he thought of him and knew he would have to speak with the man when they returned to the ship. "who Chief Engineer Scott could rightly claim posed a clear and certain danger to the ship. As you clearly know the responsibilities of the different ranks you must know that should the captain and First Officer or most senior commander be unable or unfit to take command then command falls upon the most senior or the only Lieutenant Commander, and on my ship that is Mister Scott."

Pellon frantically looked from Kirk to Spock to Twindell and back to Spock, "I knew the Jublilne Five security would be after me and would react and Kirk was so primed for action. He, he killed you. We all saw it. It was on kill setting. It was,"


	14. Chapter 14

"Obviously you are mistaken as I am very much alive." Spock walked over to stand beside Kirk, "While the phaser was set on kill the charge was not on me long enough to kill me. Vulcans require slightly longer exposure to the kill setting on a Federation issued phaser and Officer Twindell's actions ensured I only received sufficient charge to cause me minor damage that with Doctor Czacheck's experience he was able to successfully treat. Doctor McCoy, working in conjunction with Doctor Czacheck, was able to assist Captain Kirk overcome the mental trauma your actions had caused him. Had they,"

"If we may interrupt, Mister Spock, we would like to hear more from Captain Pellon with regard to how he knew the Jubliline Five security could be after him."

"I, I have no real way of knowing why they really would be after me. It was hypothetical as,"

"Captain Pellon, we would just like to know if their interest in you had anything to do with the accidental but not reported firing of a photon torpedo from the Dakota after you had been there some ten months before and had a rather long and very vocal exchange with one of the elders and a leader during which mention was made by you about what a photon torpedo could do to their newest hydroelectric dam. Captain Pellon, you had been told, in your briefing about the situation on Jubliline Five. You had been informed that although Jubliline Five is a highly developed planet it is also one that preferred the more natural way of life as in using water and wind to generate power but for some reason known only to you it seemed you were trying to get them to change their way to how you thought they should be. That photon torpedo totally destroyed the dam which caused massive flooding. There were fifty-nine lives lost, forty-seven of which were teenaged children. Children who were **their finest engineering students** visiting the power plant at the time."

"No. No," Pellon was shaking his head, "The, the control center was away from the **target**. Nobody was in the dam."

"No, nobody was **in** the dam as it was a solid construction however seventy-three beings worked in the engineering station located near the base of the dam to ensure the efficient running of the turbines, the flow of both water and power, the pressure on the dam itself, and a multitude of other duties that were necessary for the constant and steady supply of power to that central distributing of Jubliline Five as well as maintaining the water flow to the various water supply stations. Not only did your actions kill those fifty-nine people but also cased a massive food shortage as the resulting flooding all but obliterated their main agricultural and horticultural area."

While the panelist had been speaking Kirk had been watching Pellon. He had seen the total shock and horror on Pellon's face as the man fully realized what that one impetuous action of his had done, as he must have realized what his future was to be, and as he kept shaking his head and saying, "No, no, no."

For two point one four minutes Spock, and he was sure the others, had noticed the stillness about the room. Despite there being twenty people in the hearing room there is total stillness and the only sound was Pellon saying, "No, no, no," even as two security guards walked up to him and took hold of his arms.

"Until such time as you are declared mentally competent to stand trial you, Captain Pellon, will be cared for in the special psychiatric ward under a security watch." As he was pulled away he started to yell, " **No! No! It was Kirk!** **The Enterprise is mine!** Mine. Kirk killed them. I am the captain of the Enterprise."

There was an almost haunting silence when the door shut behind Pellon. In the silence Kirk found himself saying a prayer that Pellon would get the help he so very clearly needed.

"Captain James T. Kirk," hearing his name made him look at the panel and mentally prepare himself for whatever was to come, "it is the decision of this hearing," Kirk was surprised when the man stopped and nodded as Kirk sensed movement behind him and realized that Spock had moved to stand on his right side and McCoy had moved to sand to his left and Czacheck and Twindell were standing behind him with Reyolds and Daven with them , "that you be given a thorough medical examination and then report back to the Enterprise to await your next orders. It is obvious that in order for you to be present here that both Doctor McCoy and Doctor Czacheck believe you fully competent and at the standard of fitness expected of a captain in Star Fleet but we must have a finding recorded on your records held at Command by our own medical team. You will report in three standard hours and then return to the Enterprise where your next mission will be sent. "

"Yes, Sir." Kirk nodded and tried not to smile and he had long ago realized that the most thorough and comprehensive medical he could ever get were the annual ones that McCoy gave him. He knew it was known by the panel that McCoy had the highest standards of all Star Fleet's on-board doctors.

"Doctor Czacheck, you and the others who were on transfer, will be notified of which starship you are to be assigned in twenty-four standard hours. I shall contact you regarding that later."

Although he tried not to Spock glanced at Kirk and wondered if he also found that unusual and then looked at Czacheck who just looked at the panelist and nodded, "Thank you, Sir." He still could not remember what it was about Czacheck and Twindell and now there was some obvious connection between the panelist and Czacheck. Although he knew he should be thankful that both McCoy and Czacheck had said he would get his full memories back in time it was most discomforting to not remember things he was so sure were of importance at the moment. His Human half was decidedly finding it infuriating not to remember.

"Gentlemen, we, and I dare to say most of Star Fleet, owe you a thanks as for some time we have had doubts about Captain Pellon and his goals as his attaining captaincy as fast as he did. It was not until your stop at Jubliline Five and what took place there aside from the original delivery of the two specialists to fully examine a site of great archeological interest that confirmed what we suspected. We were contacted shortly after you left and were given details that had been vague before as when the attack took place there had been other vessels there and conflict with other senior officers. Pellon had assured us that he would never fire a photon torpedo without a real and present danger presenting itself and that they had fired a photon torpedo shortly after leaving Jubliline Five as there was a minor asteroid likely to hit Jubliline. When we checked with Jubliline Five they did confirm that there had been sightings of an asteroid but they were not sure if it posed a threat.

"Now you gentlemen need a good meal and some rest before your next missions. Thank you once again and godspeed."

Almost as one they said, "Thank you. Sir." then turned and walked out.

"Don't know about you, Kirk, but I need a good cup of properly brewed coffee after this, would you three care to join us?"

Just a glance at his two friends let him know they could all do with a friendly drink. In the brief moment he looked at Spock he saw that his friend had many questions that had clearly bothered him for some time.

In the medium-sized café for senior officers they found a table away from the others and Spock was pleased to see that the special blend of Vulcan teas that he liked was available prepared the Vulcan way. When the drinks were brought to the table along with an assortment of light meals and snacks there was a clear lessening of any barriers.

McCoy placed a piece of pie on his plate then looked at Czacheck, "Now before we get talking about other things I want to thank Harold, if I am not being too informal there using your given name, for all you did for Spock and Jim as well as leaving me full details of what you did. I am sure, if you do not mind, M'Benga would find them of great interest as well."

"I am just pleased we were able to help."

Kirk looked over the rim of his coffee cup and studied Czacheck for a moment as he remembered all the man had done to and for him as well as Spock. There was a relaxed confidence about the man, "I also want to thank you for all you did and would like to know what your plans are now? Still relieving on different ships?"

"Yes, there is a group of officers who work very well together and we are all one unit of relieving and it is rather surprising how many different ships we have been on and the regions we have been in."

McCoy shook his head, "I do not think I would like that. No real Sickbay of your own. No real feel of belonging."

"As for Sickbays, I enjoy the challenge of working in another's space as it tells me a great deal about the doctor who is either on extended leave or who has left. As for belonging, do any of us who sail as far out as we do for as long as we do really belong to a place or even a ship? I feel that I belong with those closest to me and it is with the group that accompany me, also as relieving officers, that I feel I belong."

Spock saw Kirk tilt his head slightly, "Were they with you on the Manatanga?"

For a moment the three Enterprise officers exchanged a look after they all had seen how both Czacheck and Twindell almost gave themselves whiplash to look at one another. So much was said in that silence before both of then nodded almost at the same time.

"Can you remember thirty-nine standard months ago when the Enterprise and the Manatanga had exchanged nine crew members for three months?"


	15. Chapter 15

It took Kirk a moment to remember. Command had thought it a good idea for crew to experience working on another ship and different forms of captaincy and they had sent nine crew members to the Manatanga for three months and had three from that sister starship patrolling a different quadrant. There had been some sort of encounter that the Manatange had had which had crippled the ship, severely injured the captain, and killed one of his officers and four from the Manatanga. Somehow the Manatanga had made it back to Command and was decommissioned from active duty but was used in cadet training. "Yes, here was an attack on the ship and one of my officers was killed in that." He remembered now how none of the eight who returned said much about what happened apart from they were attacked by an unknown enemy with an unknown weapon and a fellow officer had died.

"I was the Chief Medical Officer on the Manatanga and Twindell was First Officer."

"If memory serves we had officers on exchange with the Manatanga when it was attacked." Spock studied both Czacheck's and Twindell's faces as the memory of what happened at the time. "The officer from the Enterprise that was killed was Robert Cameron." As he looked from Czacheck to Twindell he remembered reading the full account of the incident and how it was Czacheck and Twindell who had managed to get the badly damaged ship back to Command as Captain Glen Blang had been seriously injured and was kept in a medically induced coma for twenty-eight weeks and then given a promotion and a permanent place on the board hearing any matters related to starships.

"Captain Glen Blang is now Admiral Blang." Kirk nodded as he looked at Spock, "I knew I had seen him somewhere. So he is able to keep the group you are with as a group of relieving officers and can personally vouch for you. I had heard what I thought were tales about that. From what I heard there are about ten such groups and they have proved very useful and practical."

"It was something that came about after the Manatanga." the two men looked at each other before Twindell continued, "When it was put to the Fleet Admiral and various others it was decided it was the best use of the groups who had proven to work so well under the circumstances we found ourselves in. There are ten groups of twenty to twenty-five officers on various ships and fifteen groups of the same on various stations and allied planets."

"As I remember on his death certificate you put he died of multiple injuries to his entire body during the initial attack. Each of the eight officers who returned to the Enterprise said that he died as he lived, thinking of others which sounded just like him." McCoy looked at Twindell rather than Czacheck, "You have a chance to know him? I got to know him from his frequent visits after helping a certain science officer with testing a partial hypothesis that science officer had or from a physical workout with more than one shipmate with their medical workouts after various encounters and instances instead of sleeping or at least resting himself."

Twindell nodded, "That was who I got to know. He would always help anybody on the ship and was keen to learn new things and different ways of doing things and when I asked him why he used to say that we were on the same team,"

McCoy nodded, "just not the same ship."

"Or something like that. He,"

Kirk was suddenly aware of how Czacheck was looking at him. 'You really did not know him, did you Kirk? I can recall that two of your other officers said they were sure you had sent him just to be rid of him for the duration of the three month exchange. Something about you not knowing where to really slot him in I believe was their term. You really did not see all the potential in him, all that he could have been to the Enterprise, did you? You sent him to us for Glen Blang to assess for you, right? For him to tell you what he would do with him? I remember Blang saying he thought of him as a most useful yet a most unusual officer and he said he seemed to suffer greatly from insatiable curiosity and a need to experience new things and to constantly learn and do new things."

Again McCoy nodded, "Yeah, that sounds like Robert Cameron."

While the others could see that Kirk still could not remember the officer Spock bowed his head for a moment then looked directly at Czacheck before looking at Twindell, "In the three years four months and ten days he was on the Enterprise I spent a combined total of one hundred and ninety-two standard days and fifty-one hours with him. He could be not only mentally challenging but also physically challenging. We were never informed of exactly how he died. All that is noted in his records is when and where he died."

"Spock!" both McCoy and Kirk said it in perfect harmony and looked at each other then at Spock both clearly not believing he could have asked what he just had.

"If you read our reports you would know we were attacked by some unknown entity with an unknown weapon that almost totally crippled us and left us to drift and die in space six days at warp nine from Outpost Thirty-seven B. We had an inoperable bridge, no power, our life support systems slowly closing down, and no communications system."

Kirk nodded as he looked from Twindell to Spock, "Yes, you were totally crippled and yet you managed to get back to Outpost Thirty-seven B. Your crew did an amazing job,"

"Yes, while most of the crew had been injured or at least badly stunned three of our and four of your officers had managed to get the six of us who were alive off the bridge and securing it, hare to the life support main room, and then to emergency power generation room is were we found him, them."

"Cameron." Spock said as he nodded. He remembered so many things that Cameron had helped him with, had done, that he was certain if he had been at all able to move he would have done something to help.

Twindell looked at him and nodded,"None of us had realized how badly he had been injured, all I thought was he had a broken arm, those with him thought he had cracked a few ribs. The six with him said he had just taken control and had them get all the others to safe and secure areas then had them follow him and he had them help him get life support back on-line to a level that would sustain us till we got more engineers in to properly repair it and then, then in the emergency power generation room they could see there was a major break in one of the main pipes. He told them, three at each end of the break, what to do when he said to do it. They got it also back on-line. When we got to them they, they, they," for the first time Twindell stopped and closed his eyes and shook his head.

"They got him out of that room but he had been in a position holding the pipe in such a way he inhaled fumes from the coolant and the rough metal at the break site had, had cut, cut," Czacheck had placed a hand on Twindell's arm when he hesitated and for a moment there was an understood silence before Czacheck nodded and spoke.

"There had been jagged parts of metal pipe he had straddled to hold the pipe so that the others could do a short-term weld. The way he charged into securing the pipe the way he had to hold it, saw those metal pieces slice open his chest and puncture one of his lungs. By the time we got to there they had him out of the room and two of your officers were trying to stop the flow of blood while the other one was caring for our three who had minor injuries and were badly shaken. He looked at Twindell and smiled as he said the ship is yours and when I asked if I could do anything for him he asked for my word," Czacheck looked right at Kirk and Kirk saw the pain in the man as though he were reliving that moment, "that if any of the crew of the Manatanga could ever help any of the crew of the Enterprise, especially Scotty, McCoy, Kirk and the bridge crew, they would as we were on different ships but on the same team. I, I gave him my word just as he sighed his last breath. Now I do not know if he heard me but when I told the crew what he had done and what I had done we all agreed that if we could ever help anybody from the Enterprise we would."

There was three minutes and twenty-six seconds of silence before Kirk spoke and Spock knew the others would hear the emotions in his voice, "So the different relief groups are,"

"They are all on different starships and other ships as well as outposts and planets to keep an eye on the crew of the Enterprise. We all know the sort of death that awaited us on the Manatanga if he had not done what he did. We are all aware that he did not stop the think that we are not his real shipmates, that we would have thought of him and the others as just temporary." Czacheck looked at the three of the Enterprise officers then at Twindell, "You know, he was the first officer I knew who knew what Manatanga meant in the old days. Took you a week to do the research and he knew that first day."

"From what I recall about Officer Cameron," Spock looked at Czacheck and nodded, "that is nor surprising as he would have done substantial research about the ship as soon as he knew he was selected to go. He had a most impressive if most unusual insatiable curiosity. No matter how trivial most would think of something he seemed to want to know more about it. While some of his many questions bordered on being frivolous on first appearance there was also depth and meaning behind them."

"Now wait just a minute," McCoy looked at Spock then at Czacheck, "he had that weird poem thing he would mutter at times. I am here and for right now This is my time and my place,

Czacheck nodded back, "Called who, what, where, when, how, Why, because it is my space. Now I don't know how he was on the Enterprise but he seemed to always respect the space of others and yet I also saw him simply reach out and physically touch other officers who just might have needed that very momentary contact to reassure them or refocus them at that moment. Not a word spoken, just that very light and momentary human to human or being to being reassuring physical contact."

"Now that you know what happened I hope you can be more assured when you are out there, where we go and where men like us belong, that there is not only your crew members looking out for you but two hundred and eighty-four others as well."

Kirk looked at Spock and grinned as he briefly looked at Twindell, "About ten months ago we engine problems and were told at Outpost Fifteen G that it would take eleven days to get what was needed and oddly our Chief Engineer had the part in four days."

"And there was that time on Claderria Four a year ago when we needed some new serum base for the treatment of that rare strain of glandular fever and Command said it would be at least a week and we had it two days later."

All three looked at Czacheck who nodded, "Word got out that the Enterprise had a need. I think most of us who were on the Manatanga on that day will have the occasional nightmare till we die of how we could all have died a very slow and most painful death that day with no way of ending it sooner. We will remember what he did for us and how all we can do in appreciation and to honor his request is to help out the crew of the Enterprise."

Still trying to understand it all and accept it Kirk looked at Czacheck, "But that was over three years ago. Why are you still doing it?"

It was easy to understand the look that Twindell and Czacheck exchanged before Czacheck shook his head, "What does a deathbed promise mean to you, Captain Kirk? Or even you **given word**? He gave us over three more years of living than we would have had, he spared us from one of the worst deaths officers like us can imagine, and all I could do for him was promise to look after who mattered to him, the crew of your ship. It was a deathbed promise, Kirk. He asked for my word and it was **my given word** that I would do it. The rest of the crew later gave me their word that they would also look out for the Enterprise and her crew." Czacheck nodded at each of them individually and started to stand. "If you will excuse us, gentlemen."

As Czacheck stood so did Spock and he looked at Twindell then Czacheck before looking back at Twindell, "I am pleased you are able to visit even briefly with your former captain and I thank you both again for what you did for myself and Captain Kirk. May you both live long and prosper."

"Same to you, Mister Spock, and thanks."

It was two point three nine minutes after Czcheck and Twindell had left that Kirk finally spoke more, the other two realized, to himself than to them, "I just wanted him off the ship and thought if I got another starship captain to evaluate him and tell me I was right in my judgement of him as an officer material I could get him off the ship permanently. I didn't see him as him, as an asset to the ship. I had heard from you two and Scotty how keen he was to learn and just did not want any disruption to the smooth way the ship was going. I never really heard you both say that he was bothersome or a trouble maker, Scotty had said he was a good keen lad, Uhura said he had great language skills, and both Sulu and Chekov said he had the ability to take over their positions any day but all I wanted was him off the ship as his eagerness annoyed me."

"Now I don't know about you, Spock, but that just does not sound the Jim Kirk I know."

For a moment Spock thought over what he was about to say and knew his friends would understand, "Jim could that have been because you saw in him what you were like at that age?"

"Spock, **I was nothing like,"**

"Do you remember which captain it was, Jim, who put on your record that, and I quote, Officer Kirk's real potential is there but buried under his almost relentless, bordering on obsessive, need to both learn and experience things in all the various departments on the ship. He has delusions of being the captain of a starship but that will only happen if he learns to curb and direct his enthusiasm and the sooner he learns that the sooner he just might reach that goal." Kirk looked at Spock and remembered only too well those days and that assessment on this file, "Could it not be that in a way you wanted him off the ship as he was so like you were?"

"Now I hate to agree with Spock, Jim, but apart from him not being so fond of chasing women as you and without really saying he wanted to be a captain, he was just like you once were, in case you'd forgotten." McCoy shook his head and smiled, "He told me more than once he never wanted to be a captain as that was too controlled by to many rules."

Objection and denial sprung to him as Kirk looked at his two friends then closed his eyes and nodded. Damn them! They were right. Robert Cameron had been just like him with those two exceptions and it infuriated him being reminded how that central chair and the role had aged him, how he was controlled by so many rules he felt were obsolete. He had sent him off the ship in the hopes of eventually being rid of him. Cameron's last thoughts had been for his ship and crew. His last thoughts had been those of a captain.

He stood and moved to stand between his two friend and said, "I think, my friends, we should get back to the ship and, as he would have said, get out there, meet new beings, find something new, and have fun."

"Jim," McCoy looked at his friend as they started to walk towards the transporter facilities, "don't you mean see what our orders are? And aren't you forgetting that medical you have to have?"

"Doctor, I believe if you heard what Jim said that IS what he means and I am certain that you would not allow him to forget that another doctor or doctors have to see him and I have no doubt you will go with him."

There was a moment when McCoy paused, about to launch into a tirade about how Spock was the one who did not understand Jim till he saw the grin on his friend's face and and saw a raised eyebrow on his other friend's face and knew that that living Vulcan computer was right. As he took two steps to get back in step with them both he also realized just how that blasted Vulcan knew how to get Kirk out of a dark mood and just how thankful he was for that.

 *****FIN*****

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A/N Thanks for reading, hope you liked/enjoyed it. Frantic five weeks coming up with international visitors as well as medical and family matters - thank goodness I have a 2yr old border collie to make sure I stop and enjoy a good play in the backyard, in the park and paddocks, along the river, and even the beach (she still believes she can herd seagulls). Be back after Easter. ** HAVE FUN! **


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